Blog entry for:

consciously or unconsciously, i sought to get something for nothing from virtually everyone i encountered. the reading suggests a leech as the metaphor, but as i consider carefully the true nature of my behavior, a vampire would be closer to the mark.. although as far as i know, the vampire is a creature of legend, in fact some very different and conflicting traditions, but i need not go into that here and now. the first part of this extension of a metaphor is that i was not part of the living world. sure i had a physical presence, but emotionally and most importantly spiritually i was dead, and living in the twilight and shadows of reality. my emotional and spiritual existence was dependent on those of the living, that i could attach myself to, and draw out their vitality a drop at a time. as i was always concerned about my supply, i did my best to limit my withdrawals to amounts that i hoped were beneath their notice, so i could come back to that well over and over and over and over again.
but enough about the past, i am no longer that person, nor is it likely that i will become that person again IF i continue to live in then manner to which i have grown accustomed -- namely clean and in active recovery. yes, one of the principles i do my best to live by is self-support -- at least in the material realm. that does not mean that i do not ask for help, when i truly need it -- a loan, a helping hand, or just some emotional or spiritual buttressing. i do not depend on the kindness and pity of others to provide for my daily bread. i work, i pay my taxes (ARGH), i contribute my time and material to my community, and i give back to the fellowship that has provided me the desire to be here today. that desire fills me with the NEED to make my life as healthy as possible in all respects, almost. there are still places that need work, that i can freely admit, but one of those places where i have no illusions about is in the material world. i am given the means to support myself, but it is up to me, to get off my a$$ and use them.
so anyhow, i have to run -- literally -- so a bit of HOPE -- yes i do owe the tax man -- but not as much as last year and i will do even better this year -- i can after all, learn from my mistakes and move forward! it is a good day to recover, today.

∞ DT ∞