Blog entry for:

by the HIGHER POWER of my understanding. healing begins when i understand that if my HIGHER POWER created me this way, it must be okay to be who i really am! that is a tough admission for any any addict to make let alone me. so this morning i am trying to figure out whether or not to put money on my phone, so a sponsee that is inn county jail can call me. what does making that decision have to do with being genuine? well for one, i can see that act goes straight to the part of me that wants to save him. where was that part of me, when he was drifting away in the smoke and mirrors of self-will, getting ever closer to the consequence he least desires? well i kept telling myself, when it gets bad enough he will be back. well he is back! back in county jail, and you know what, that is not my fault. nor am i going to take reponsibility for that, after all, i do what i need to do to stay clean, and live a program of recovery, i offered to give it to him, with no strings attached, and he chose to do what he did.
so all this talk about someone else, may actually be diverting me from the task at hand, or is it? what i see and what i heard in the reading this morning, is that as i live a program of recovery, as i work steps, no matter how many times i go through them and as i heal, i become comfortable with the man i am right here and right now. that man, still desires to go riding to the rescue, and enable someone to dump their load of sh!t on me. that man also is tired of being a sh!t wagon. so here i am at, once again, at the crux of a decision, do i or do i not? i do not expect the answer to come from on high in a might booming voice, but rather from inside, with a quiet certainty of what is the correct manner for me to behave. as a result i will be acting true to myself, and in accordance with the spiritual principles to which i ascribe. so anyhow, this day will pass, my decision will be reached and i will recover just that bit more. i will accept myself trust a bit more and be happier with the man i see looking me back in the mirror. and all of that is possible because i choose to live this day as a recovering addict.

∞ DT ∞