© as i examine my life i am uncover who i really am ©
Posted: Sat, May 28, 2011 09:40:41 AM
to be truly humble is to accept and honestly try to be myself, all rights reserved! well as you can see from the text above, i am sitting somewhere between serious and absurd this morning. i really am in a interesting spot this morning. on the absurd side, is that if i assert my right to protect my intellectual property, which is me, i can lock my version of myself down for a hundred years, thanks to all those fine folks at Disney, and of course their dead shill Sonny Bono. the problem with that, as explicitly stated in the reading this morning,, is who am i really and do i really want to lock into the version of myself i just happen to be today?
so before i go all absurd on this point some down to Earth thinking. back story: when i was using, i could and was anyone i needed to be, to get whatever it was that i needed to get including but not limited to: drugs, money, attention, sex or respect. the chameleon that i became through the years of active addiction was born long before i ever used the first time. the necessity of getting and finding the ways and means to get more, drove that process into a finely honed act, that became second nature to me. observe what was going on, and become who i need to become to blend in and conquer this social situation. it would have been a great way to live, except more than once i was betrayed by my inability to be moderate in my use of substances, and once i became FUBAR, well it was all over. as this went on for the 25 or 26 years of active addiction, it is quite the understatement to say that when i came to recovery i was a person without a clue about who he was. i knew who i could be. i believed that being a chameleon was a great way to live, as it made me spontaneous, and flexible. i know today, it made me rigid, deliberative and circumspect. top all of that with the isolation i purposefully created and you have all the symptoms of a sociopath or even a psychopath.
oh i could blame the excessive pressures of culture to become an true blue American consumer, or perhaps that my parents did not hug me enough, or that no one liked me or a hundred and fifty more excuses, when the truth is it was me, who felt different from the get go, and discovered the life of an active addict allowed me to be what i never could be, namely a part of the crowd. just like the addict who relapses time and time again, i was beset with reservations, and all of them were justified. it was only when i finally accepted whom i was at my core, that i was an addict, plain and simple, no qualifies needed, that i could become the man i am today, and the man i am in the process of becoming. i am not some sort of fVcking onion that needs to have the layers peeled back to discover who i am, i have always hated that analogy, and hate it even more today. i am a man, who in the practice of active addiction fitted himself with whatever extremal trappings he needed to be a part of the world around him. yes, i switched to the third person there as a device to add emphasis, however i digress. the steps have worked for me, because of the acceptance of who i am and what i need to move forward on the path i am walking. the steps allow me to accept and most importantly be comfortable with the man i am becoming and discard those comfortable familiar behaviors that once protected me and my fragile self from the cold harsh light of reality. my life is far from perfect as am i, however, it is far more acceptable that the day i accepted the path of recovery and a helluva lot more acceptable than the day i walked into the rooms. it is a result of learning to live the steps, of listening to those whom i have come to trust, and actually trying out their suggestions, instead of ‘but-ing’ my way out of even considering them to be relevant to me.
anyhow, man i really went off and no i do not want to lock this version of Don down for a century, as i want to improve on him, one day at a time. so into the showers and off to my weekly Saturday morning routine, with this thought, i may not understand who i am perfectly, and i may never understand that, BUT i understand better today, and IF i do this gig to the best of my ability i will understand more tomorrow. oh by the way, id i find myself saying; “this process does not happen overnight” i am giving into my FEAR of changing into the person i was always meant to be, and not practicing COURAGE or FAITH that i am right where i am supposed to be going.
so before i go all absurd on this point some down to Earth thinking. back story: when i was using, i could and was anyone i needed to be, to get whatever it was that i needed to get including but not limited to: drugs, money, attention, sex or respect. the chameleon that i became through the years of active addiction was born long before i ever used the first time. the necessity of getting and finding the ways and means to get more, drove that process into a finely honed act, that became second nature to me. observe what was going on, and become who i need to become to blend in and conquer this social situation. it would have been a great way to live, except more than once i was betrayed by my inability to be moderate in my use of substances, and once i became FUBAR, well it was all over. as this went on for the 25 or 26 years of active addiction, it is quite the understatement to say that when i came to recovery i was a person without a clue about who he was. i knew who i could be. i believed that being a chameleon was a great way to live, as it made me spontaneous, and flexible. i know today, it made me rigid, deliberative and circumspect. top all of that with the isolation i purposefully created and you have all the symptoms of a sociopath or even a psychopath.
oh i could blame the excessive pressures of culture to become an true blue American consumer, or perhaps that my parents did not hug me enough, or that no one liked me or a hundred and fifty more excuses, when the truth is it was me, who felt different from the get go, and discovered the life of an active addict allowed me to be what i never could be, namely a part of the crowd. just like the addict who relapses time and time again, i was beset with reservations, and all of them were justified. it was only when i finally accepted whom i was at my core, that i was an addict, plain and simple, no qualifies needed, that i could become the man i am today, and the man i am in the process of becoming. i am not some sort of fVcking onion that needs to have the layers peeled back to discover who i am, i have always hated that analogy, and hate it even more today. i am a man, who in the practice of active addiction fitted himself with whatever extremal trappings he needed to be a part of the world around him. yes, i switched to the third person there as a device to add emphasis, however i digress. the steps have worked for me, because of the acceptance of who i am and what i need to move forward on the path i am walking. the steps allow me to accept and most importantly be comfortable with the man i am becoming and discard those comfortable familiar behaviors that once protected me and my fragile self from the cold harsh light of reality. my life is far from perfect as am i, however, it is far more acceptable that the day i accepted the path of recovery and a helluva lot more acceptable than the day i walked into the rooms. it is a result of learning to live the steps, of listening to those whom i have come to trust, and actually trying out their suggestions, instead of ‘but-ing’ my way out of even considering them to be relevant to me.
anyhow, man i really went off and no i do not want to lock this version of Don down for a century, as i want to improve on him, one day at a time. so into the showers and off to my weekly Saturday morning routine, with this thought, i may not understand who i am perfectly, and i may never understand that, BUT i understand better today, and IF i do this gig to the best of my ability i will understand more tomorrow. oh by the way, id i find myself saying; “this process does not happen overnight” i am giving into my FEAR of changing into the person i was always meant to be, and not practicing COURAGE or FAITH that i am right where i am supposed to be going.
∞ DT ∞