Blog entry for:

is to accept and honestly try to be myself. this morning that meant tearing my office apart to look for a few things that i should have looked for a week ago, but i found them and have moved on to this task.
this morning i realize that two of my peers consumed my TENTH STEP last night and this morning, while still on my mind, i see that i have given it over to something else. honestly, i have no idea why when i do not like someone, for whatever reason, i need to obsess on the reason why. sometimes, that is just the way it is, and i am certainly not going to be growing into someone who likes everyone. accept them yes, tolerate them, certainly, invite them into my home, maybe. hang with them and only them, probably not and as i sit here this morning i see nothing wrong with that.
the reading uses a phrase that i stumble over time and again, and sometimes it drives me to distraction, namely “becoming the person GOD intended me to be.”
i have gone on at lengths about why that sometimes makes me cringe and there is no need to rehash that stuff today. briefly, however, that line smacks of predestination and i am not a i was destined to be… sort of guy.what i do see in that statement as well, is a commonality between myself, my peers and the rest of the human race. this morning, i can certainly feel, that the race as a whole, can become more than we are, but most settle for what they have, instead of reaching for what seems beyond their grasp. although my fellow human beings seem to act a sheeple, perfect fodder for the our corporate masters to manipulate and trick into believing we have free will, i do not believe that is what we can be. what i see in myself, is a part of me that has been actively rebelling against popular culture and the norms that society and culture, that has been going on since i became aware, many many years ago. that battle, piut on hold during my active addiction, is alive and well now, and it pops out all over the place. it as as my peer said the other night, what makes me an “asshole,” in the eyes of the newcomers who are the dilettantes.just as recovering addicts, like me, scared me sh!tless, when i was uncertain about wanting to be a part of this life, i scare my peers. after all, i live a program that allows for very little ethical wiggle room. lying is lying, stealing is stealing and even if i was never taught that those behaviors were wrong, there is NO EXCUSE for me acting them out today.i love to hear the justifications and rationalizations that roll off my tongue, before i realize that i am fVcking lying.
anyhow, as a member of the working class, i have to go put my time in for my corporate master, because i do enjoy the standard of living that i have been given. at least, and this is a very great consolation, i like what i do for a living, and my working conditions are far from heinous. this life, with it pitfalls and imperfections, is much better than the life i once thought i enjoyed, even though there are activities i no longer take part in, and as a result, perhaps i am becoming the person that the POWER that fuels my recovery, intended me to be

∞ DT ∞