Blog entry for:

Mon, Oct 20, 2008 09:22:50 AM


α i am responsible for my own recovery and my own choices. ω
posted: Mon, Oct 20, 2008 09:22:50 AM

 

difficult as it may seem, i must make those choices for myself and become willing to accept the consequences. freedom, what a loaded term! this idea has been running around my head for a couple of hours now, and i am beginning to see what i heard in the reading this morning in the context of everything else that is happening in my life. i have recently been given quite a gift of freedom, and although i felt it at the time, it triggered an anger response, first at the giver, and then after i realized what she had given me, at myself. the anger has now subsided to a dull roar, and i have decided that i can keep chipping away at the edges and bitter and disheartened, or i can just accept what i have been given, and move on to better places. well the latter is certainly a better choice, so a final dive into the resentment at me pool and perhaps i will be able to finish the process that was started two weeks ago.
well, when i did my fourth step, and fifth stepped with my sponsor, i knew then that my biggest resentment was at myself. oh i had several people on the list, but after sharing about it, and examining them, what it turned out to be was a single resentment towards myself. i was however, mostly clueless about the nature of that resentment, until as i should have realized way back then, i was forced to make amends to myself. those apparent resentments were just the smoke and mirrors i put up to protect myself from the reality i was facing. well the smoke has dissipated and the mirrors have been shattered and what i am left with is facing the reality, that i entered and perpetuated unhealthy relationships to allow the part of me i call my addict a place to hide. when i chose to ignore my heart and not trust my sponsor with what i needed to trust him with. i furthered that cause. i knew that the choice i made would engender a response that i desired -- a quick fix with no work, that i could summarily ignore, because it would not be applicable in any way shape or form to what i really needed to do. then i could add one more to the litany of sins against me, and nourish the resentment i was building towards the person who always did what they did. and in the long run, the more the resentment grew, the more i did to add fuel to my internal fire, until i could no longer stand to even be in the same room. what a fvcking waste of energy and time.
so where does that leave me? well i need to forgive myself for finding my recovery parent, and allowing that unhealthy relationship to flourish for as long as it did. i need to forgive myself for denying what was going on inside of me. and most of all i need to forgive myself for all the damage i have done to me, as a result of this and the other parts of my amends to me, and move on. i can feel that process ongoing this morning, and on that note i think i will sign-off and hit the showers, remembering that i am worth forgiving myself today.

∞ DT ∞

 

djtConsulting Brand
The views expressed on this page are solely the opinion of the author.
While the author is a member of a 12 Step recovery fellowship, these writings are not intended to endorse or express the published wisdom of any fellowship.
These writings are not meant to be socially or politically correct, and if you take issue with any opinions expressed, please seek the guidance of someone wiser than me.

Another Look!

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α freedom to choose ω 569 words ➥ Thursday, October 20, 2005 by: donnot
∞ freedom from active addiction means, among other things, the freedom to make choices for myself. ∞ 529 words ➥ Friday, October 20, 2006 by: donnot
α freedom of choice is a wonderful gift, but it is also a great responsibility. ω 519 words ➥ Saturday, October 20, 2007 by: donnot
∏ if i do not use the gift of freedom of choice that i have been given, ∏ 462 words ➥ Tuesday, October 20, 2009 by: donnot
• in active addiction, i often live my life by default • 431 words ➥ Wednesday, October 20, 2010 by: donnot
◊ enforced morality lacks the power that comes to me when ◊ 555 words ➥ Thursday, October 20, 2011 by: donnot
+ as difficult as it may seem , 430 words ➥ Saturday, October 20, 2012 by: donnot
¹ today, i will accept responsibility for my recovery, ¹ 626 words ➥ Sunday, October 20, 2013 by: donnot
¿ i am grateful for … 877 words ➥ Monday, October 20, 2014 by: donnot
ℜ freedom to choose ℑ 480 words ➥ Tuesday, October 20, 2015 by: donnot
⅔ abdicating ⅔ 605 words ➥ Thursday, October 20, 2016 by: donnot
🌫 being unwilling 🌫 736 words ➥ Friday, October 20, 2017 by: donnot
⚖ weighing my choices ⚖ 547 words ➥ Saturday, October 20, 2018 by: donnot
🤔 seeking the experience 🤯 411 words ➥ Sunday, October 20, 2019 by: donnot
🤔 choosing to live 🤩 599 words ➥ Tuesday, October 20, 2020 by: donnot
😲 living 😲 253 words ➥ Wednesday, October 20, 2021 by: donnot
😠 enforced morality 😒 640 words ➥ Thursday, October 20, 2022 by: donnot
🤐 anonymity 🤐 528 words ➥ Friday, October 20, 2023 by: donnot
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☯ The Tao that can be spoken is not the eternal Tao ☯

THE TAO TEH KING, OR THE TAO AND ITS CHARACTERISTICS
by Lao-Tse
Translated by James Legge

Book 2

1) A state may be ruled by (measures of) correction; weapons of war
may be used with crafty dexterity; (but) the kingdom is made one's
own (only) by freedom from action and purpose.