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and accepting the consequences, is often more than a bit overwhelming. in fact, there are days when i might choose to sit home, watch pirated video streams and eat organic Cheetos, all day long, just so i would not have to make any choices beyond that one. when i came to recovery, all i wanted was to be in “control” of my life and have the ability to make a few choices. once i got that freedom, i was quickly overwhelmed and ready to have someone, anyone else, make those choices for me. it has taken some time for me to grow comfortable with the notion of being responsible for my life. it is several thousand days later, and i still feel overwhelmed by the choices i face on a daily basis. the difference today is that i do not want to abdicate the power implicit to those choices to anyone or anything else.
as i sat listening at the meeting i attended yesterday, the overarching feeling that i had was how my peers, seem to see the tress, but were clueless about the forest that surrounded them. they kept speaking of “substitution” splitting apart addiction, into seemingly disparate chunks. i shared what i shared and if anyone “got” what i was speaking about, great. if not, well perhaps i have to choose to simplify my message. what was particularity telling was the attendee that felt as if they were a fraud being at the meeting. as i listened to what they shared and spoke to them after the meeting, i could feel a level of empathy for a newcomer, that i do not often feel these days. it is not like their story was anything similar to mine, it is not. nor are they coming to reduce or eliminate legal consequences. they were there to listen and see if this was a place for them to finally “fit in.”
although i left the meeting feeling a part of, there were certainly more than s few bot mots that were shared from another fellowship. in a room full of recent members, i feel it is my responsibility to carry a very clear message, in the language of the fellowship that has given me this new manner of living. i really get ticked off, when i hear my peers, especially those that have been “around” for a while do mix-in recovery, with a little dab of this and a little bit of dab of that conflating the message about separating out this and that as substance-specific fellowships tend to do. for me, when i was a cross-fellowshipping, what finally drew me to where i am today, was the fact that it was not about what and how much i used. it was all about the simple, single concept of addiction and learning to live a life in freedom from active addiction. not among the choices i make today, is which “addictive” substance or behavior i need to treat today. i live a program of active recovery to treat my addiction, plain and simple abnd as a result i have the FREEDOM to make the choices that lead to a better me, just for today.

∞ DT ∞