∏ if i do not use the gift of freedom of choice that i have been given, ∏
Posted: Tue, Oct 20, 2009 08:47:43 AM
and if i refuse to accept the responsibilities that go along with it, i will lose that gift and my life will be diminished. honestly there are days when i want FREEDOM FROM CHOICE, in active addiction as much as i railed against choosing by default, i actually preferred it. when things did not work out the way i wanted them to, then i could blame something else, and when they did, i could take credit, so having a day off from making choices, seems very seductive to me still. after all, would losing the freedom to choose and make the multitude of decisions that i make in a day really be all that bad? i could move through my day, reacting to the events as they unfold, and it would really be living in the moment, or would it?
when i look at it in that manner, i see, that it would actually be living in the past. i would be reacting to events in the here and now, BUT everything that was driving my life would have already happened, as i chose not to exercise my freedom of choice. all that i am in that situation is an automaton, lacking the capability to be anything more, not much different from the kind of life i had in active addiction. as tough as life in the real world, abdicating my responsibility to make decisions, to choose my path and accept the consequences for those decisions would make it even worse. i did not get clean, just to return to the way i was, and the amazing part of this reading this morning is the sense of gratitude i feel when i consider how far i have come since i first decided that this set of steps would focus on decision-making. even though it doid not seem like it, even though most of the time i forgot wehat the focus of this step cycle was, and even though i was seemingly looking elsewhere and dealing with other issues, when all is said and done, as it soon will be, it is the process of decision-making, and the consequences of that process that has been revealed in my spiritual awakening from this step cycle. the freedom i have received is beyond measure.
so i could continue to say that over and over again, instead i will make the decision to move into my exercise gig and get started with the rest of my work for the this day, of which there is plenty to do. i am FREE to CHOOSE my path today, and i choose to be a full participant in my life, at least just for today.
when i look at it in that manner, i see, that it would actually be living in the past. i would be reacting to events in the here and now, BUT everything that was driving my life would have already happened, as i chose not to exercise my freedom of choice. all that i am in that situation is an automaton, lacking the capability to be anything more, not much different from the kind of life i had in active addiction. as tough as life in the real world, abdicating my responsibility to make decisions, to choose my path and accept the consequences for those decisions would make it even worse. i did not get clean, just to return to the way i was, and the amazing part of this reading this morning is the sense of gratitude i feel when i consider how far i have come since i first decided that this set of steps would focus on decision-making. even though it doid not seem like it, even though most of the time i forgot wehat the focus of this step cycle was, and even though i was seemingly looking elsewhere and dealing with other issues, when all is said and done, as it soon will be, it is the process of decision-making, and the consequences of that process that has been revealed in my spiritual awakening from this step cycle. the freedom i have received is beyond measure.
so i could continue to say that over and over again, instead i will make the decision to move into my exercise gig and get started with the rest of my work for the this day, of which there is plenty to do. i am FREE to CHOOSE my path today, and i choose to be a full participant in my life, at least just for today.
∞ DT ∞