Some memes

means i have FAITH that myself and ALL my peers can all grow, personalities and pasts aside. it took me a long time to understand that anonymity was more than not sharing my last name. part of my issues with the equity and equality that anonymity provides, was that i wanted to be recognized for how well i was n=doing and where i was getting better, all i kept getting was keep coming back. wanting to be special and rise above, i know see was just how i was hard-wired back in the day. there are certainly still times when i want to be seen as special and rise above. there was going to be a “but” there, i decided however to make it a different thought. yes it was my default desire when in the rooms. yes, it took a minute for me to learn a bit of humility, and yes, even with some time clean, i can tumble back into that rabbit-hole.
life as an anonymous member of a twelve step fellowship is a good thing for me.
as i sat this morning, what came up from the void was a whole lot of nothing burger, which kind of amazed me, as i have lots of issues with how i have been treated in the past by a few of my peers. what i felt was a sense of relief that my stuff, at least recently, did not cross over the line into requiring an admission of being wrong, or shit ton of rationalizations and justifications staring with “see what you made me do.” in fact, back in the day, that was one of my favorite lines, especially when the blame-thrower kicked into action. these days, the blame-thrower points at me more often than someone or something else, but that too is starting to let up. it is part and parcel of what this set of steps is all about for me and i have the HOPE that i will get the relief i seek. in general, i usually get a whole lo more than what i wanted when i entered a step cycle. in fact, i had no idea i would identify and release the lie i lived with the last set of steps. the surprise so far in this set, is the revelation of my two greatest fears, which i always knew on some level, but was too afraid to strip away the denial that “protected” me.
moving into today as i sit on my patio waiting for the tile guys to show up, i feel empowered to move forward into my life. yes it is true that i did not “rescue” my spouse and her need to use technology. she was not happy with my lack of concern, BUT and yes it is a big one, she searched for a solution, applied it and fixed it herself. that was hardly my intention and i am glad she learned something rather than remaining pissed off at me for going about my bidness. do i owe a TENTH STEP correction? i think not, i got my day in progress she got what she needed and the two of us are talking and enjoying each other's company. what i do need to do, is put ChatGPT aside and start my on-boarding for a possible AI training gig. i also have the desire to be just another addict in recovery today and not have to claim a special place in the local fellowship, that is more than enough, just for today.

∞ DT ∞