Blog entry for:

rather than struggle with my feelings, i accept them and ask for the strength to walk through them. okay honest injun here, i am not really the depressive type, EXCEPT for in late fall and early winter. as the days grow shorter, my mood grows darker. i understand this, and in active addiction my use, while never what one might call casual, really skyrocketed in this cold dark time. if one were to look at the quantities, and frequency of the substances i took, one might have come to the conclusion that i was trying to kill myself. AND IN A GENERAL SENSE, ONE WOULD HAVE BEEN CORRECT.
but by this time in the annual solar cycle, i am starting to cheer up a bit, as i can feel the days getting longer, and the dank, pendulous clouds that block me from the sunshine of life are starting to burn off. dipping back into the honesty well, once again, i can not remember what my first SAD episode of recovery was like, as i was on psychoactive medication for anxiety disorder, and that left me more than a little foggy to the world inside of me. my second trip through the calendar i do however remember, and at that time i was starting to self-sponsor, and to fix the feelings i spent a boat load of money, you know the spend your way to feeling better therapy.
the years since? well i have been working with a sponsor, and working the program suggested by the fellowship i ended up in, and although i still get those dark days, i no longer have to do something to make myself feel better. i go through those times, as if they are just like any other day. i work, i play, i practice a program of active recovery and i do my best to be present for what i am feeling and let it go, doing as the reading suggests, accepting that they a transient, unless i hold on to them, dwell in them and make them a place that is comfortable for me to remain.
so it is off to the gas station, then back to the grindstone, as i have a bunch to get donr before i disappear for seven days.

∞ DT ∞