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anger, guilt, self-pity, or depression, is it really worth the effort? once upon a time, i would certainly say of course, after all, these are **negative** feelings and need to be suppressed or altered at all costs. even now, after a minute or two of clean time, i feel that from time to time, i may not need to suppress or alter these feeling, but i certainly have to do my best to keep them from showing. i mean seriously, admitting that i am depressed would certainly make me look bad in the eyes of my peers and it is all about how i look, not how i feel. yes the ancient voice from within that talks about always looking good, still plays in my head from time to time. i know that allowing my external self to mirror with am feeling is the path towards sanity, however, this particular bit of insanity still lingers. so i got a bit sidetracked with FaceBook, but i am back now. the insanity of my apparent NEED to look better than i am doing goes straight to the heart of this reading. when i deny that i am “feeling” something, no matter what label or judgement i place on having that feeling, i am denying myself the chance to be more. more human, more manly and certainly more honest and for me honesty is the key to my recovery.
sitting in the meeting last night, listening to what was being shared, i was struck by an attack of the desire to do a “rebuttal share” and call out a few of my peers for glossing over what is really going on, or dealing with things in the past, rather than today. sometime the POWER that fuels my recovery, prevents me from opening my mouth and “appearing” to be an a$$hole, as there were other members who jumped in before i could open my mouth. i GOT to look good by doing absolutely nothing and i felt grateful for not to trampling all over others in my indomitable manner. as i sat for my 10TH STEP last night, what came up from the quiet was that i am missing my friend Brian. now that vacation and the holidays are over, all of a sudden i have room to feel again. just as i wrote about the darkness on a post that no one will ever read, that dark and bumpy night in the western Atlantic Ocean, the feelings of loss, grief and yes sadness are not overwhelming, but they certainly are not comfortable for me, and yes i want to run. what i do instead is run to the arms of my peers, my friends and my loved ones and embrace them in the here and now, instead of living in a mountain of regrets and “i should haves.” this morning, i still feel those echos and yet i feel a whole lot of other things, such as determination, hope and even a bit of joy, just for being here and being able to be a part of this world.
fighting those “negative” feelings, seems to be an zero-sum game that is rigged form the start, so i think i will cease fighting them, own that i am feeling them and move forward into my day. today i can be grateful that i am on this side of the grass; that i am clean; and that i can be whole and genuine, just for today.

∞ DT ∞