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to walk through my feelings, is certainly whole lot easier when i do my best to stop labeling them as **good** or **bad.**
i was going to write about not being a depressive type and hoe hard the lack of daylight in this season affects me. yes that was my intent, but looking over what i have written in the past, i see that i have covered that territory, quite thoroughly, time to move on. got to admit i was going to summarize all of those past “musings” in a list and went down the rabbit hole of how i was going to format them. instead i will say that i accept depression exists, and for some of my peers it is severe enough to require medication. i will also say that i am more than certain that i self-medicated through my S.easonally A.ffected D.epression, back in the day. today, with both of those findings accepted as “facts of life,” by me, i certainly can move on.
when i consider the part “feelings” of any sort play in my recovery process, i see that identifying them and the behaviors and actions they lead to, is a critical to my recovery. i have certainly reached the point where my actions and reactions need to be viewed through the lens of what i happen to be feeling and how i “judge” those feelings in my own head. it is true i can hide a multitude of sins by saying “well i felt this and did that,” a perfect foil for NOT taking responsibility for my actions. for me, however, those days have long since passed and when i detect myself falling into that trap, i certainly need to take action. it is unfortunate that i cannot detect that slide with any sort of consistency, all by myself. as i tend towards isolation, the deadly combination of “bad” feelings and reactive behavior, require being addressed all the more quickly, by me, through the interaction with my peers. my default persona of “looking good” will kill me in the end, if i CHOOSE to live there, all the more reason for allowing myself to feel what i feel, talk about it with my friend and peers and allow myself the freedom to actually listen to the feedback they give me. just for today, i may decide to do just that and allow what i heard last night to be part of how i live today.

∞ DT ∞