Blog entry for:

guilt, self-pity, and depression, the five horses of the apocalypse for this addict. there was a time when i had the means and the desire to rid myself of feelings such as these. in fact, i was taught that these were **negative** feelings to be avoided at all costs. more than once when i was growing up, i was told that even if i felt =feelings such as these, that it was my sole job to make sure no one, ever knew that i was feeling them. i was even chided and humiliated by loved ones for being “too sensitive.” getting high that very first time, showed me the way to not have to feel as a side-effect of the euphoria i felt when i was high. that double whammy kept me using for twenty-five years and “around” recovery for over two years from the very first meeting i attended.
when i finally got around to becoming willing to do the work of recovery after eighteen or so months clean, i had already discovered the wonderful world of substitution and was well into buying my way to being happy. i can still fall back into that pattern of looking for the bright and shiny to change the manner in which i am feeling. the hard part of that, is the bright and shiny always wears off very quickly and i am left with the feeling i was attempting to suppress and swallow. for me, anyhow, when i feel something i do not “like” to feel, such as one or more of the five feelings i started this blog with, i can remember that i have never died from a feeling, nor have i ever seen anyone die from a feeling. in fact, what i have uncovered through much searching and observation, is that feeling whatever feeling that happens to come up,. is the easier and much softer way, even when it does not “feel” like it is.
this morning as i embark on a few days of living alone, as my spouse is taking care of a couple of children, i am wondering what i can do with myself in the evenings, other than consume mass quantities of binge-watching TV. the one thing i do know, is that even if i choose to stay home, i will not allow the TV and the dawg to be my sole source of social interaction. i will keep my horizons open and spend time out of the house, doing stuff i like to do, which might means a few nights at the cigar store, hanging with the smoky crowd. it is up to me to strengthen my social connections so when and if i am locked in the house, i have someone to turn to. the great part about recovery, is that if i do my best to maintain my relationships in the fellowship, my peers will be there when i need them, just as i can be there for them. so it is off to the streets to get some steps under the soles of my shoes and to burn off some of those excessive calories i chose to ingest, yesterday. it is a good day to be clean! 😄

∞ DT ∞