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but friendships do not have to end when i make mistakes; instead, i can make amends. or not, some mistakes are merely apology sort of mistakes and an unpleasant or uncomfortable conversation. i have on particular instance in mind, and what i said was truly what i felt, how i said what i said, probably could have been a bit more diplomatic. this whole running around saying mea culpa craps all the time is just as bad as using. YES i have caused REAL damage, and YES i owe REAL amends for that damage, but bruised feelings are not REAL damage. when i was doing my NINTH STEP this time around, my sponsor and i had quite the conversation about this very issue, and i have not come to this reading since i finished that work.
so i will share very briefly about a current situation. in order to make amends to me, i had to tell someone who i thought was a friend some very unpleasant truths, as i saw them. that person was defensive and tried to shame me into retracting that truth or making an amend for saying what i felt. when i went back to see if we could start over, i never got a response. so i was left with my hand out waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting. the part of me i call my addict can run with that and ascribe all sorts of motives for that sort of behavior, and did. the recovering addict however, has finally come to the place that no response means no response, and for whatever reason, that particular relationship is on hold, for now, and perhaps forever. put into that light i can move forward with my life and continue the growth along the path i have been set upon.
the reading also make me think about who owes me amends and for what. that is one of thew juiciest ironies of all. nowhere in this reading does it talk about others, however, the part of me i call my addiction goes right there. the HOPE is that the part of me that desires living in recovery sees this for what it is, an attempt to divert me from what i really need to be looking at -- my part in my relationships. honestly over the past six or seven months many of those have been rocky. setting boundaries and telling people that i have an opinion and am not sort of trained monkey (well-trained at that) at their beck and call was necessary and will remain necessary. what i am learning is the proper manner for doing so, and making mistakes as i set the boundary out to where it truly needs to be. they do not like it, and seem to misunderstand assertiveness for anger, at least that is how it feels to me, but they will have to get used to it. part of who i am becoming and part of my vision for myself, requires that i am self-aware and genuine, in all aspects of my life. so what others think is becoming less and less relevant, and what i feel is becoming more relevant, and one thing i am learning is that clean time speaks for itself and that is all it says -- that i am clean for so many days. my recovery also speaks for itself and although dependent on being clean, there is no correlation between the number of days since my last use, and how far down the road of recovery i have come. i recover only when i work the steps with a sponsor. sponsoring myself or any other arrangement, in my experience, means that i have a fool for a sponsor, and i am putting my sponsee into a very precarious and dangerous situation. i REQUIRE the input and feedback of someone who knows all my sh!t, and not just thinks they do.
however, i am way off track into another rant -- life is good, i am well and i will look to my part in my relationships, to see what needs to be repaired today, after all that is my responsibility.

∞ DT ∞