Blog entry for:

well, the past 24 have certainly been interesting, a friend has seemed to develop the expectation because he says he needs something, i should be at his beck and call. nothing new in that story, and what was i really expecting anyhow, an amends for all the sh!t he has put me through? well i was wrong top expect any of that, and who knows after the sting of anger wears off, i may be able to take his next phone call.
also in that same time frame i have been encouraging a family member with two days clean to do whatever they can do, to make it three in a row. without a doubt TWELFTH STEP work as i am cleaning up my ELEVENTH.
THIRD STEP work with the newest of the men who call me their sponsor and are actually part of m,y recovery and particapting in a group conscience of a group i helped get going, attend regularly, but am not a home group member. that's a whole lotta shakin' goin' on!
all of this, is made possible by the fact that i have stuck around, done the deed, day after day, until i became habituated to it, and not left in a fit of pique and disgust because they were not doi9ng bit the way i would do it. in fact i heard the best rationalization last night that i may want to steal and use for myself: “i have too much clean time to be in service!” how cool is that, staying in and being of service is a function of clean-time, and when i reach some magic point i GET to say enough, let my newer peers do it all! which goes back to the top. the sicker they are, regardless of their social station the better and juicier the expectations and the rationalizations and justifications that buttress those expectations. been there, done that, got the T-shirt!
i can and often do, act with impunity, looking at my self-interest and driving a wedge between myself and my friends. i then lie to myself or even worse deny that i have done anything wrong, looking for whatever i can find in them to justify (LIE ABOUT) why i should behave in such a manner. so when it comes time to take responsibility for what i have done, i want to obfuscate the harm in a blizzard or words, ideas and sentences circling around wherever i was, instead of the laser pin-point precision of the words i was wrong to…
yes, regardless of how many days i have, i still NEED to serve my fellowship in some aspect. i still NEED to sponsor those who ask. i still NEED to work the steps. i still need to answer my phone and pay attention to the newcomer, regardless of my history with them. i still NEED to take responsibility for my recovery and not become one of those who come around every now and again, make pronouncements from on high and wonder why no one calls me, talks to me or invites me to be a part of their lives. i NEED to look at my part and when as i often do, i find that there were things i did wrong, i NEED to own them as well.
when all is said and done, i want to carry a strong ,message of recovery, in more than word only. i want to be able to demonstrate by how i live that the fellowship that has given me this new way of living is a worthwhile investment for anyone else, not just a passing fancy. i want to present an attractive alternative to the depravations of life in active addiction, or even worse, the half-life of abstinence only. at least that is my goal, just for today.

∞ DT ∞