Blog entry for:

...acknowledge my defects and accept them. when i do, the fortress of denial, erected to keep these things hidden, will come crashing down.
although i could quite easily turn this around and make it about other people, what i feel this morning, is a need to own what is mine. what was wrong with the relationship that went sour over the past year, was as much my fault as the fault of anyone else. i had no set boundaries, as i was in my need to be accepted and have my behavior approved of and acknowledged. as a result. i allowed others to become what they really were not, whether or not they were asking for it. as i grew up, as a result of this step cycle, i found myself in a very uncomfortable place. here i was hating being treated disrespectfully, when all the time up to that point, i not only told them it was okay, i actually welcomed that sort treatment, because i felt i it was the only way i was going get what i wanted or needed.
so imagine the other party’s surprise, when the whole landscape of our relationship shifted right out from under their feet. whether they are capable or not of a truly equal and intimate relationship is no longer my concern, for me, i see that i NEED to be honest about who i am, and feel WORTHY of being a partner in a equal relationship. the days of feeling unworthy of standing up for myself are long gone, and unfortunately so are some of the relationships based on my unworthiness.
as i sit here this morning, looking at my actions, reactions, feelings and behaviors over the past year, i see that there are many things, especially when it comes to relationships, that i could have done better. there are also many things that went on far too long, and my acting out in anger was the result of my pent-up frustrations. i pushed, and refused to listen, and as a result am a bit lonelier, when all it would have taken was a conversation. i am however, regretful but not sorry. i have caused myself enough damage remaining in a sick relationship, far longer than i ever though was possible, and change, even cataclysmic change was what was needed. these days when i feel the smoke starting to go up my a$$, i ask myself, do i really want to play? truthfully, i may like the attention and the compliments, but in reality i feel once again dismissed and diminished and i feel the bile start to rise again. today, i can behave differently, allowing my anger to wash over me, and remembering that some are sicker than others, and today i do not want to be that one.
so off to trot around the neighborhood and work off the oatmeal and coffee that comp[rised my breakfast.

∞ DT ∞