Blog entry for:

Sun, Jul 28, 2013 10:03:19 AM


∇ i do not want others to know of my insecurities, ∇
posted: Sun, Jul 28, 2013 10:03:19 AM

 

my pain, or my neediness, so i simply refuse to admit to them or **GASP** expose them. certainly goes to theme that i have been developing recently, self-acceptance is the key to unlock what i want to become. a HUGE part in hiding this stiff from others comes down to hiding this from myself. when i was an addict in active addiction, none of this happened, since i allowed not a single soul to get close enough to see who i was at the core. this included but was not limited to my ex-wife, my family, my peers at work, my friends, or my multiple sex partners. if i strutted my stuff and kept everyone at arm''s length, with arrogance and contempt, i would never be vulnerable and could not get hurt. nice work when you can get it.
as an abstinent addict, without the crutch of a substance or three to bolster my resolve and remove my fears and insecurities, this trick while still possible, led to greater and greater cognitive dissonance, between what i wanted: a life full of people who cared about me, and what i was willing to accept: no pain and no vulnerability. i can tell you first hand, that this state was among the most miserable times in my clean-time existence. and yet, while i noodled around with technically working the steps, i could not let go of my fear of the pain of human contact, that being vulnerable may bring into my life. until i was ready to let go of my need to look good, even when i was practicing a program of active recovery, i stayed sick in this respect and took on all sorts of different roles to appease the beast within: being free from the pain that others can inflict.
a quick foray into my weekend chores and i am back.
the question really that this reading and the direction i have take, boils down to this: am i more afraid of being alone than i am being hurt? competing fears, that have battled for supremacy for as long as i can remember, and this battle, as part of my life in recovery is becoming quite weary. the decision i make today, is to acknowledge both of those fears, accept they are part of me, and do the next right thing. i surrender them into the care of the POWER that fuels my recovery and allow the recovery process to take place. this journey, is me becoming the man that i have always wanted to be, even before i knew what that man looked like. i can be open and vulnerable and i can accept that there are consequences, some i find pleasing and others, not so much. FEAR has stopped me often enough in my life, that today, i do my utmost to find a bit of courage and walk through those dark and fearful places, to the light of active recovery on the other side. yes, that was definitely a daisy, but not quite a rainbow and certainly not a unicorn.
when all is said and done, moving forward, clean and in active recovery, is the ONLY path i desire today, and i know what i need to do.
right here and right now?
shower off, boot-up a laptop, and get pounding on the commitments i have made and maybe, if the rain stays away for a few more hours, i may get my yard mowed as well. it is a great day to be clean.

∞ DT ∞

 

djtConsulting Brand
The views expressed on this page are solely the opinion of the author.
While the author is a member of a 12 Step recovery fellowship, these writings are not intended to endorse or express the published wisdom of any fellowship.
These writings are not meant to be socially or politically correct, and if you take issue with any opinions expressed, please seek the guidance of someone wiser than me.

Another Look!

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Δ to maintain intimacy in a relationship, it is essential that i … 505 words ➥ Tuesday, July 28, 2009 by: donnot
σ i feared that if i ever revealed myself as i really am, i would surely be rejected σ 627 words ➥ Wednesday, July 28, 2010 by: donnot
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☯ The Tao that can be spoken is not the eternal Tao ☯

THE TAO TEH KING, OR THE TAO AND ITS CHARACTERISTICS
by Lao-Tse
Translated by James Legge

Book 1

1) We look at it, and we do not see it, and we name it 'the Equable.'
We listen to it, and we do not hear it, and we name it 'the Inaudible.'
We try to grasp it, and do not get hold of it, and we name it 'the
Subtle.' With these three qualities, it cannot be made the subject
of description; and hence we blend them together and obtain The One.