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i seem to find that i am attempting to hide an aspect of myself that i am ashamed of. so there it is, in black and white as it were, i still have shame. i know that the recovery has and still is changing me, sometimes in ways i never thought were possible and yet, even with all this change going on, there are parts of me that have yet to see the light of day. or so i believe. that belief is part of the wall of denial that i have built and that is being destroyed brick by brick on a daily basis, most days. so into the darkness i plunge…
well not as dark as it used to be, but dealing with FEAR never excites me. i have been to three meetings this week, and as a result i KEEP hearing the same message, that if i want to continue on this path of growth, and i most certainly do, than i NEED to let go of what it is that is holding me back. yes STEP limbo sucks. having done the writing on STEP THREE and yet not being able to have the FAITH to make such a simple suggestion, i am stuck in the middle. it seems the more i let go, the more i speak to my fear and uncertainty and especially my doubt, the greater it looms in my head. it is as if a looming beast has been created and is now stalking my every move, waiting to jump me when i stop noticing it is there. the creeping malaise of anxiety, is creating a desire with to return to some of the less than stellar behaviors that are part of my repertoire, to FIX the way i am feeling. everything around me, is telling me just to let go and move with just one more modicum of FAITH, inside however is another story. from within, i hear dig my heels in and resist, rebel and stop doing anything as the change that may be coming will be destructive. amazing the lies i tell myself, in my own voice, using the tools that i have developed as a result of an active program of recovery.
so scary metaphors inside, i see where i need to go. i NEED to continue my journey on the path of recovery and the only way i can do so, is to let go of my FEARS and develop just a bit more FAITH. i can now see that the FEAR i am feeling is all about becoming something i do not recognize anymore, even though that is the path that recovery has taken since i first became ready and willing to live a program. it is true, that if i had seen who i am now, way back when, i would not recognize myself. it is true, that nothing the process has changed within me has led to consequences that were intolerable, in fact each and every change has led to a better life for me, in many respects. why is it now, that old bugaboo comes back to haunt me? it can only be for one reason, i am about to embark, ponce again, on a major paradigm shift and my world view as well as my view of myself is about to be radically altered, AND I CAN NOT SEE WHAT THAT LOOKS LIKE! i am afraid of the unknown effects of change.
i guess with that said, the best thing to do is to move into my morning, take a shower, get some work done and just let the FVCK go and see what comes my way. oh yeah, the unhealthy behaviors i am engaging in? they too need to go, one day at a time, and i can start doing that today. it is all about becoming more than i ever dreamed was possible.

∞ DT ∞