โ when i was using, my decisions were driven by addiction โ
Posted: Sun, Aug 23, 2009 08:02:37 AM
resulting in self-destructive actions with quite often, dire consequences. given that, i have had difficulty learning to make decisions in recovery. today, my faith gives me the courage and direction to make good decisions.
okay i lifted a bunch from the daily reading, and then condensed it down, to succinctly give me a topic for what to write on this morning. i know that may seem presumptuous of me, but i accept the consequence of that decision and am moving forward from there. i am at this a bit early for a Sunday morning as there is a bicycle race through my neighborhood this morning, and the weather guys are calling for another hot day. so off i go into what i am writing.
when i say that in active addiction my decisions were based on my addiction, what i really mean, is that they were based on selfishly satisfying whatever NEED happened to be in the forefront of my mind. impulsive -- often, compulsive -- most of the time, self-centered -- almost always. if i considered the consequences of any decision or series of decisions, it was only how my status, my appearance, my emotional state, and/or my financial state would be affected by the possible outcomes. very rarely did i consider others in the process, unless of course it involved me.
the reading, however, was not about my life in active addiction, and what i heard this morning was about the role of decision-making in the here and now, i have probably already said that this set of steps was about the decision-making process for me, and on the surface that has been the focus. of course, like many of the decisions i make, there are ramifications far beyond what i expected. what i have discovered, at least one of the things i have discovered, is that what i thought about who i am, colored that process, and needed to be brought into this set of steps. what i thought was a done deal, namely accepting myself as i am, was merely a beginning, and this step cycle has brought self-acceptance and most importantly self-respect into the mix. the result of the step process, has been a paradigm shift from a FEAR based program, into something more closely resembling a FAITH based program, and as the repercussions of that shift reverberate down to my very core, part of the changes that are being made is that when i make a decision these days, i carefully consider the effects of that decision on myself and those around me. that does not mean that i will always make good decisions, nor does that mean that the effects will always appear positive and without pain, i am after all only human. it does mean, that i have weighed those consequences on my mental scale and have accepted them as part of the cost of moving forward. as my eleventh step starts to wrap up its work, i am coming to realize how all the changes that have been manifest in me, has affected the so-called seed of this cycle of steps, and as i approach the twelfth step. i can see that all of this was necessary so i could to learn to make better decisions. after all, if i had continued to play the games i was playing, denying my true feelings and desires, and most of all denying who i really was, any longer, i might have just got a big case of the fVck-its! as with everything else along this path, there comes a time and a place to put up or shut up, and with my internal landscape and my image of my self, and my sense of how much i am worth, that time has once again come.
i know that this is a process and not a destination, i also know that tomorrow i will continue with the process i get to the place where i am ready to move into the final step of this cycle. today, however, i am ready to move into my day and get out and hit the streets. that decision is an easy one to make, and to follow through on, right now. so ta-ta for now.
okay i lifted a bunch from the daily reading, and then condensed it down, to succinctly give me a topic for what to write on this morning. i know that may seem presumptuous of me, but i accept the consequence of that decision and am moving forward from there. i am at this a bit early for a Sunday morning as there is a bicycle race through my neighborhood this morning, and the weather guys are calling for another hot day. so off i go into what i am writing.
when i say that in active addiction my decisions were based on my addiction, what i really mean, is that they were based on selfishly satisfying whatever NEED happened to be in the forefront of my mind. impulsive -- often, compulsive -- most of the time, self-centered -- almost always. if i considered the consequences of any decision or series of decisions, it was only how my status, my appearance, my emotional state, and/or my financial state would be affected by the possible outcomes. very rarely did i consider others in the process, unless of course it involved me.
the reading, however, was not about my life in active addiction, and what i heard this morning was about the role of decision-making in the here and now, i have probably already said that this set of steps was about the decision-making process for me, and on the surface that has been the focus. of course, like many of the decisions i make, there are ramifications far beyond what i expected. what i have discovered, at least one of the things i have discovered, is that what i thought about who i am, colored that process, and needed to be brought into this set of steps. what i thought was a done deal, namely accepting myself as i am, was merely a beginning, and this step cycle has brought self-acceptance and most importantly self-respect into the mix. the result of the step process, has been a paradigm shift from a FEAR based program, into something more closely resembling a FAITH based program, and as the repercussions of that shift reverberate down to my very core, part of the changes that are being made is that when i make a decision these days, i carefully consider the effects of that decision on myself and those around me. that does not mean that i will always make good decisions, nor does that mean that the effects will always appear positive and without pain, i am after all only human. it does mean, that i have weighed those consequences on my mental scale and have accepted them as part of the cost of moving forward. as my eleventh step starts to wrap up its work, i am coming to realize how all the changes that have been manifest in me, has affected the so-called seed of this cycle of steps, and as i approach the twelfth step. i can see that all of this was necessary so i could to learn to make better decisions. after all, if i had continued to play the games i was playing, denying my true feelings and desires, and most of all denying who i really was, any longer, i might have just got a big case of the fVck-its! as with everything else along this path, there comes a time and a place to put up or shut up, and with my internal landscape and my image of my self, and my sense of how much i am worth, that time has once again come.
i know that this is a process and not a destination, i also know that tomorrow i will continue with the process i get to the place where i am ready to move into the final step of this cycle. today, however, i am ready to move into my day and get out and hit the streets. that decision is an easy one to make, and to follow through on, right now. so ta-ta for now.
∞ DT ∞