Blog entry for:

i had great difficulty learning to make decisions in recovery. so exactly what do i mean by making poor decisions, anyhow? for me, it is a decision that leads to a consequence i do not like. it is true, however that many of the decisions that i have to make, do not have consequences that i like and i end up choosing the path that leads to the consequence that i see as less heinous. before i tread down this particular tangent, i do have to acknowledge a clean date anniversary:

JACK W
HEY BRO YOU DID IT!
SIX (count 'em) Years Clean!
Keep coming back and coming back clean!

alrighty then, decision making as a game that is not rigged against me. how did i get here? well the reading talks about that, and as i have shared in the past, i have chosen to not make any decision and live my life by default, to avoid playing this game. my sponse and i talked a bit about this the last time we met, and he suggested that when i am present for my life, i can and do make good decisions, those that have the consequence of furthering my goals. coming to that idea, i see that many of the decisions that i made while using, were not necessarily poor choices, as they furthered my goal of getting and using more. today, that is not one of my goals, and looking at my life through the lens of decision making, leads top all sorts of distortions, especially when i take what i have learned in recovery and find parallels for it in my life as a using addict. i really do not like looking at the: “that was then and this is now,” view of my life, BUT when i look back i see that i made decision based on whether or not it led me towards getting high, and if it did not i allowed other people, the universe and “GOD” to make decisions for me. that paradigm, saved my bacon as in my very fragile self-image, but led to all sorts of distortions in my life.
there is a certain comfort in realizing that those days are gone, by choice and if i choose to stay on the path i am on, they need not become my way of life again. that is not to say, that i choose not to live by default every second of every day, although i was accused of being fVcking perfect the other night, i am not there yet. i still like the freedom not to choose, so i can blame something else, be it a person, luck or fate, for the consequence i do not like. yes, blame shifting, is still a very familiar behavior and decision-making plays right into that, from time to time. so is the famous, “it is all because i am an addict,” line. as much as i whine about how powerless i am, i throw away some of the power i have, in a cavalier manner, then i get to whine about how things turn out. looking at my decision-making process, or lack thereof, through that lens, shows me that i can live responsibly and be self-supporting, accepting the consequences for all the choices i make, or choose not to make. Rush was right when i choose not to make a choice…
anyhow, i guess what i am trying to say, is that i need to be present, and allow myself the opportunity to exercise all the power i am given, by making decisions as they arrive in my life. first one? sign-off and head on over to work. it is a great day to be clean.

∞ DT ∞