Blog entry for:

actions, and consequences, OH MY! first off, the manner in which i perceive the world means that not all consequences are bad. i really do have a distaste for the the negative connotations that have been promulgated through culture that consequences are something to be avoided. before doing a deep dive into decision-making and how i see it these days, a bit of a shout out to a couple of addicts who have a clean date anniversary today.

Joel K
TWO (2) years clean.
Congrats my friend,
i am glad you keep sticking around.

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Jack W
wot can i say?
NINE (9) years of doing this gig, Just For Today.
Keep coming back, my friend, you are a HUGE part of my recovery.

accolades complete, time for a tirade? well not quite. last night,. as part of my 10TH step. i wondered if i was letting what i know about someone color how i felt about them. i never really cared for them, and lately i have found everything i could to diminish their worth in the ledger i keep in my head. not that any of the entries in that ledger are fair or unbiased, they certainly are not, but from time to time, i have to wonder if maybe i was not giving someone a break, when they deserved one. no decision that required action was made as of this morning, but the decision to look at what i think, has been made. the action i take as a result of that decision is to do absolutely, positively NOTHING, and allow myself to feel my way to the answer. for someone like me, one who always believed he could think, manipulate and influence people and outcomes through the force of my will, the decision to allow myself to pay attention and let life influence a previously made judgement, is a momentous one. until the last set of steps, it would not have been a decision that i would have made, after all, my sponse keeps having me “feel” this and that, to arrive at conclusions and leave the rational part of who i believe i am, by the wayside.
now do not get me wrong, i do NOT live by default these days, allowing situation and events to make my decisions for me. this one in particular, really has no affect on whether or not i get to stay clean today, but does affect how i interact with those around me. when it comes to making those sort of decisions i have the desire to participate in the process. i lived my life by default for long enough and GOT to blame the consequences of life on those terms on everything and everyone else. the fact was, i was unable and unwilling to accept the consequences, unless they were beneficial and then i took all the credit 😆!
my original premise here was that decision-making and taking action, even when that means doing nothing, and learning to accept the consequences, has been a process i have been learning to implement, since the day i finally got clean. i learned to accept what i thought the world looked like, may be wrong. i learned to be willing to open my mind to a new way of doing what i needed to do, including taking care of myself. most of all what i am learning is that opinions, beliefs and judgement, mine specifically, need to be allowed to morph into something different. the world does not spin because i will it to do so, and what i think may not match what i feel. what i am attempting to do today, is allow myself the freedom to get what i think to match what i feel, and doing nothing allows that process to progress of its own accord. after all making decisions based on erroneous information has never led to beneficial consequences for me.

∞ DT ∞