Blog entry for:

as new things are revealed, i feel renewed. this morning, as i sit here on the first full day of my annual cycle, i think about how much the winds of change have howled over my life in the past year. yes things are not as bright as they once were, BUT, things are not as dismal as i can make them out to be. what i want and what i need are still miles apart in my perception and i am ready to move forward, it is only my fear of the unknown face of the future that is holding me back, i want to live in FAITH and i am stuck in FEAR. my response to living in such a state used to be to dive headlong into active addiction. since i choose not to go there, i end up in a state of untreated addiction, throwing away my willingness to do my best to live a program of recovery. it here where my ability to bend with the winds of change get hampered. the amazing part of all of this, is spiritually i feel as if i am light years away from where i was a year ago, and yet on a personal level, i am tapping into feelings that i left behind back in the days right after i first got clean. i want to run and hide and look for a way out. the light at the end of the tunnel looks like a train and all i want to do is scream and jump out of the way. all of this and more are running through my head as i dive head first into darkness my FEAR generates.
as i write this, i am amazed of how far i am from where i want to be. where do i want to be today? well as i ask myself that very question i am not quite sure. i want to see the ability to dig myself out of the hole i have created. i want to find the means to help all of those i have promised to help. most of all, i want to define the face of sanity, so i can move further into my second step and stop living in the world oblivious to what is really going on. perhaps, my last desire is most pressing, and the place where i can and will choose to set my focus over the next few days. as i have a commitment or two to live up to this morning, i think i will sign off feeling a bit more hopeful and little less fearful. i believe i will walk in FAITH that no matter what, i CAN and WILL choose to live in the state of active recovery, just for today.

∞ DT ∞