๐ฌ in my surrender, ๐ค
Posted: Wed, Sep 11, 2019 07:55:56 AM
i find the flexibility to deal with the **winds** of life. as ironic as that may be, for me, it goes a bit deeper. there is an old adage that speaks to those who will not **see** what the rest of the world see, because they CHOOSE not to look. as i attempt to find the means to reclaim my power from one who may or may not be cognizant of how i feel, i realize that this is on me and not them. whether or not they can see the clues that i want nothing to with them, is not my stuff, i have to accept that what it is, and this is not fatalism, is my journey to reaching an accommodation with life and my feelings about it.
life has presented me with a stench on this breeze, one that does not seem to be going away. one that i find impossible to ignore and one i find unpalatable. it is true, i could “move” to a different location, to remove myself from the source. while appealing in theory, “geographic” solutions are short-term and the problem is still there, me! i could do what i have done in the past, start a “whispering campaign” and chase that odor away with a fan larger than the breeze wafting in my direction, but then i would have to cover up my “shady” behavior with a sh!t-ton of spiritual camouflage. when approached STEP EIGHT in this round of steps, there would be a price to pay, that i would have to become willing to pay. the options of removing myself someone else are not what i DESIRE to implement, leaving me with having to find within myself, that which i do not believe is there.
it seems that the “winds of life” seem to be blowing me into the caress of the POWER that fuels my recovery. it is not as if that POWER is going to remove the stench on the breeze, i can accept that. what i seem to be needing is a bit of patience and tolerance to arrive at the place where the stench is just part of the background, “nose blind” as it were to what i find disagreeable. i really am clueless about the motives of others and the depth of their insight into what others see. i do however, know all about being a self-centered and self-entitled person, who can hide those behaviors under the mantle of being worth more than needing to compromise and allow someone else to take center stage.
what i heard this morning and am feeling now is that i can be social, courteous, tolerant and kind and still choose to allow another to slip into irrelevance in my life. even if i am rolling my eyes every 2.2 seconds, i do not have to carry those judgements forward, in other words accept them for who they are, rather than despite who they seem to want to portray. i am well-versed in playing at who i am not, and by projecting who i am and my past on to someone else, maybe i just need to step aside and keep myself at a “safe” distance, just for today.
life has presented me with a stench on this breeze, one that does not seem to be going away. one that i find impossible to ignore and one i find unpalatable. it is true, i could “move” to a different location, to remove myself from the source. while appealing in theory, “geographic” solutions are short-term and the problem is still there, me! i could do what i have done in the past, start a “whispering campaign” and chase that odor away with a fan larger than the breeze wafting in my direction, but then i would have to cover up my “shady” behavior with a sh!t-ton of spiritual camouflage. when approached STEP EIGHT in this round of steps, there would be a price to pay, that i would have to become willing to pay. the options of removing myself someone else are not what i DESIRE to implement, leaving me with having to find within myself, that which i do not believe is there.
it seems that the “winds of life” seem to be blowing me into the caress of the POWER that fuels my recovery. it is not as if that POWER is going to remove the stench on the breeze, i can accept that. what i seem to be needing is a bit of patience and tolerance to arrive at the place where the stench is just part of the background, “nose blind” as it were to what i find disagreeable. i really am clueless about the motives of others and the depth of their insight into what others see. i do however, know all about being a self-centered and self-entitled person, who can hide those behaviors under the mantle of being worth more than needing to compromise and allow someone else to take center stage.
what i heard this morning and am feeling now is that i can be social, courteous, tolerant and kind and still choose to allow another to slip into irrelevance in my life. even if i am rolling my eyes every 2.2 seconds, i do not have to carry those judgements forward, in other words accept them for who they are, rather than despite who they seem to want to portray. i am well-versed in playing at who i am not, and by projecting who i am and my past on to someone else, maybe i just need to step aside and keep myself at a “safe” distance, just for today.
∞ DT ∞