Blog entry for:

irony of recovery is that, in my surrender, i gained the FREEDOM to be so much more. sitting here today on the other side of one of those boundaries of life, i can see that way back when, i made the correct decision to stay the course and learn how to live a program of active recovery. as of today, my recovery is officially longer in than my active addiction. i probably passed that barrier a few weeks ago, BUT as i am not sure of the exact date of that very first “get high,” using my clean date anniversary as the wall between those worlds is perfectly acceptable to me.
today, as i throw my whole routine out the window to spend some time with a friend and peer in recovery. i know that becoming flexible was never an aspiration of mine. in fact, if one had asked, i would have said “of course i am, look at what i have survived already.” the fact is, it was the drugs, behaviors and my rich fantasy life that sustained me and provided the patina of appearing to be flexible, at least in my own little head. watching my peers deal with the emotions they froze so many years ago, reminds me of how it was for me, not that long ago. the release from the lie that defined me twenty months or so ago, unleashed a tsunami of emotions that i am still cleaning up. it is not the flotsam and jetsam that washed ashore but the destruction of the carefully crafted façade on the edge of reality, that protected me from what i was not. today, just for today, i am living clean and have HOPE that i will make it through this day, without causing any harm, destruction or having the desire to use.

∞ DT ∞