๐ freedom from rigidity, ๐
Posted: Tue, Sep 11, 2018 08:38:13 AM
is certainly a gift that i can cherish and be grateful for, as i stay clean and learn to live an active program of recovery. i have to admit that i am not a very spontaneous person and i do not adapt to rapidly changing circumstances with the greatest of ease. ironically, my inability to rapidly adapt to ever-changing circumstances led to my trip to Cañon City tomorrow morning, yes i am still whining about that! the fact of the matter is, i am more than a bit grateful that i did not have another month to consider whether or not i would make that middle of the week journey.
this morning on the actual anniversary of the first day that i did not use, i wonder whether or not i will ever be freed from the rigidity that defines so much of who i think i am. the current theme of this little exercise and what i have been sharing is the stories that have defined me for so long that it is no longer amusing. although it bis certainly a worthwhile exercise, moving forward, it is time to seek a bit of relief from this little bit of obsession. i guess that to move on, i need to spend some time with my sponsor, and perhaps on my trip down south tomorrow, i might be able to do just that, i certainly can ask anyhow.
what i heard this morning, for a change of pace, was not the insanity of what i have been telling myself for the past fifty years. what i heard was that as i have grown up in my recovery, i can find a bit of relief from being what i always thought i was and who i thought i am. since the day i thought i “got away” with using that very last time, i have inexorably been marching towards being something different. no i have not become some sort of recovery “saint” with halos and beams of light being emitted from all my bodily orifices. i have, however, started on a journey towards being something more realistic. i GET to be a part of a life that i once found moire than a little “meh.” the obligation i GOT to accept tomorrow, is part of that journey. in the here and now, i made a decision and agreed to be somewhere and the man i am today, has just enough integrity to honor that commitment, no matter how hesitant he is. as i continue to wait for the guidance on how to respond to the other friend, who decided to once again reach out and touch me, i can be assured that it will be the result of finding the HOPE that maybe this time, things will be different. where once i would have rigidly stood my ground and used the past against finding any redeeming qualities, perhaps today i can find a way to move forward and give a bit of empathy and compassion. it is a good day to be clean and a good one, to change into something more and take a bit of a walk, before i get chained to my desk.
this morning on the actual anniversary of the first day that i did not use, i wonder whether or not i will ever be freed from the rigidity that defines so much of who i think i am. the current theme of this little exercise and what i have been sharing is the stories that have defined me for so long that it is no longer amusing. although it bis certainly a worthwhile exercise, moving forward, it is time to seek a bit of relief from this little bit of obsession. i guess that to move on, i need to spend some time with my sponsor, and perhaps on my trip down south tomorrow, i might be able to do just that, i certainly can ask anyhow.
what i heard this morning, for a change of pace, was not the insanity of what i have been telling myself for the past fifty years. what i heard was that as i have grown up in my recovery, i can find a bit of relief from being what i always thought i was and who i thought i am. since the day i thought i “got away” with using that very last time, i have inexorably been marching towards being something different. no i have not become some sort of recovery “saint” with halos and beams of light being emitted from all my bodily orifices. i have, however, started on a journey towards being something more realistic. i GET to be a part of a life that i once found moire than a little “meh.” the obligation i GOT to accept tomorrow, is part of that journey. in the here and now, i made a decision and agreed to be somewhere and the man i am today, has just enough integrity to honor that commitment, no matter how hesitant he is. as i continue to wait for the guidance on how to respond to the other friend, who decided to once again reach out and touch me, i can be assured that it will be the result of finding the HOPE that maybe this time, things will be different. where once i would have rigidly stood my ground and used the past against finding any redeeming qualities, perhaps today i can find a way to move forward and give a bit of empathy and compassion. it is a good day to be clean and a good one, to change into something more and take a bit of a walk, before i get chained to my desk.
∞ DT ∞