Blog entry for:

well at least figuratively, literally, i was not starving to death, i was not living under a bridge, i was not in constant threat of violence and i was not terminally ill. yes i was not any of things in active addiction, and yet all of those conditions could have been possible, if i was not so dead set on maintaining appearances. looking better than i am played a close second to finding the ways and means to get high, back then. it still is one of the most glaring behaviors that are in my repertoire, now that using is not a choice i make. which makes perfect sense, after all, addiction is all about substitution when the going gets tough, so obsessing about how i look is certainly not something from left field.
there is HOPE for me yet, as the step work i did with my sponsor yesterday, narrowed in on what sanity and the restoration process could look like for me. i know, for some one time through the steps is enough. i also know for some that no times through the steps is enough. for me, i am clueless about how many step cycles i will have to work, and i do not believe that i am working them in an exercise of futility. each and every cycle has brought me closer to knowing the man i am, the man i want to be, and the man i am becoming. this morning, more than ever, what that addict said the other night in the meeting feels more true than ever, the steps are about uncovering the man i can be and allowing that man to be manifest in the real world.
i am that man, i am becoming more than i was yesterday, and today, surviving the slings and arrows of life from fix to fix, is not a desirous state for me. today i want more, and if that means working steps until i croak, or decide that this gig is not working for me, than so be it, as i can see the effects of living the steps in my life as well as the effects of not working the steps. i am that i am, and i am glad i'm a man in recovery today. i GET so much more out of life, although for all appearances my life looks a whole lot more boring. i am not out clubbing 'til 2 AM, then staying up all night chasing that buzz. i am not running out and wheeling and dealing to get more of what i need. i did not start today off with the ‘hair of the dog’. i am not struggling trying to remember everything that i did yesterday and i have a connection with SOMETHING that fills me with more than i have ever felt in my life. best of all, boring as my life may look today, it is so much more full than back in the day, and i am the problem, just like i was way back when.
i can and will live with that today and in the meantime i think i will go hit the streets, get a bit of work done, watch the home team do what they do best and get my ass to a meeting. all of this and more is a gift of living a program of recovery, and just for today i am deciding not to squander that gift. so out into the cold grey morning to do much more than survive.

∞ DT ∞