↑ i am grateful to be alive ↑
Posted: Mon, Nov 14, 2011 06:46:05 AM
i will do something today to celebrate. this morning as i ponder the events of the past 48 hours, i am struck by the realization of how fortunate i am to have made it out of active addiction alive, and mostly intact. why the sudden glimpse of this? well last night, i lost track of an addict how asked for help, another addict came back once more form using and brought news of yet another addict who has once again gone out again. i COULD have been just like them, secretive, isolated and angry enough to use just to spite all those around me. after all, that is who i was, and that is certainly who i can be once again.
do i have the perfect life? not by a long shot, but it certainly is far better than the life i had when i was forced to come to the rooms and sit here until my sentence was served. the addict who came back said something profound to me last night, he said all he wanted was a normal life. really? seriously? what does that mean? i know and accept that i am not like the other 85% of humanity, i am an addict and always will be. no matter how normal my life looks, there is always the addict underneath ready and able to make my life miserable and take me down the path of destruction that i know active addiction to be. what i am grateful for today, is the CHOICE, and trust me it is one, TO LIVE this life i have been given, BECAUSE I STAY CLEAN and work a program of recovery as those who have walked this path before suggest. i also understand that those years and lives i lost while in my chemically induced cocoon of blissful ignorance are gone forever. to regret their passing is a waste of time and keeps me in the problem, not the solution. yes it would have been nice to be where i am 20 years ago. the torture of trying to figure out where i would be today, if only i made a few different decision along the road is an exercise in pain and futility that i choose not to indulge in today. which certainly brings me back to the gratitude i feel about what i have today. the time and money i spent this week? well last night i was pissed as all of a sudden it looked like such a waste. this morning i see it as my contribution to the chance for someone else to live a new life. what they choose to do is their stuff and although it saddens me to think of them out there, lacking direction or even the chance at what looks like a normal life, i have to let them go to whatever ends they NEED to arrive at. i can and will continue to be concerned but i know that too will pass as they drift further and further away from me, and as sad as it is, i know that i part of my survival instinct kicking in, after all, i have a few days clean and even some in recovery, and i know how to keep myself safe from the parade of newcomers that sometimes threatens to overwhelm me.
anyhow, part of that normal appearing life is my responsibility to pay my bills by earning some dinero. as i have run out of things to say, i do believe i will hop in the shower and go engage in this life i have been given, just for today.
do i have the perfect life? not by a long shot, but it certainly is far better than the life i had when i was forced to come to the rooms and sit here until my sentence was served. the addict who came back said something profound to me last night, he said all he wanted was a normal life. really? seriously? what does that mean? i know and accept that i am not like the other 85% of humanity, i am an addict and always will be. no matter how normal my life looks, there is always the addict underneath ready and able to make my life miserable and take me down the path of destruction that i know active addiction to be. what i am grateful for today, is the CHOICE, and trust me it is one, TO LIVE this life i have been given, BECAUSE I STAY CLEAN and work a program of recovery as those who have walked this path before suggest. i also understand that those years and lives i lost while in my chemically induced cocoon of blissful ignorance are gone forever. to regret their passing is a waste of time and keeps me in the problem, not the solution. yes it would have been nice to be where i am 20 years ago. the torture of trying to figure out where i would be today, if only i made a few different decision along the road is an exercise in pain and futility that i choose not to indulge in today. which certainly brings me back to the gratitude i feel about what i have today. the time and money i spent this week? well last night i was pissed as all of a sudden it looked like such a waste. this morning i see it as my contribution to the chance for someone else to live a new life. what they choose to do is their stuff and although it saddens me to think of them out there, lacking direction or even the chance at what looks like a normal life, i have to let them go to whatever ends they NEED to arrive at. i can and will continue to be concerned but i know that too will pass as they drift further and further away from me, and as sad as it is, i know that i part of my survival instinct kicking in, after all, i have a few days clean and even some in recovery, and i know how to keep myself safe from the parade of newcomers that sometimes threatens to overwhelm me.
anyhow, part of that normal appearing life is my responsibility to pay my bills by earning some dinero. as i have run out of things to say, i do believe i will hop in the shower and go engage in this life i have been given, just for today.
∞ DT ∞