Blog entry for:

was not the gift i thought i was getting when i got clean. nor was it the gift i expected when i finally came to recovery. i thought i was doing okay enough, sliding along the bottom of living and staying high and never expected to be looking back on those days from a distance of decades, wondering WTF took me so long to give up the fight and pick up a white. no matter how thick-headed and stubborn i may seem, i know that today, i am doing a whole lot more living and a whole lot less “just getting by.” i no longer accept that all i need to do is survive another day, although some days, surviving until bedtime, seems hard enough. i am more than a bit regretful that i wasted so much of my life in a drug-induced haze and i could spend my time commiserating about that, OR as i am choosing to do today, celebrate the life i have by living it to its fullest.
that does it for the bumper stickers and clichés, this morning. although i am in a very light mood and nothing heinous surfaced as i sat this morning. as i sit here considering my day, my week and the results of my Fantasy Football weekend, i am not displeased at all. sure i could be more financially secure, be more fit, thinner or even younger looking, but none of that is really all that important, at least in this very moment. as i stoup on the necessities for my life, cigars and coffee, i certainly can see that i am living a life that was never possible in the past. if i wanted to enjoy a cup of good coffee or a premium hand-rolled cigar, i would have needed to figure out who i was going to rip-off or what bill i would not be paying, in order to get what i wanted. the thought never entered my mind to dip into my “get high” stash of funds, as those were already spent, even if they were still burning a hole in my pocket. some days are just like that, stock up and hunker down, although i am not ready to hunker down today, as i really do not see a storm a-brewing on the horizon. i got the spiritual recharge i guess i needed from the brief exposure to convention and i had my best time for my weekly 10K trot yesterday, so all in all, i feel i am doing well today. oh yeah, wins in both Fantasy Football leagues will certainly cheer me up as well.
before i shut this down for the day and get out into this chilly November morning, i do have to say, that is is a privilege to be looking forward these days. as much as regretting my past may be a helpful tool for motivating me to live a program of recovery, it does not make me any brighter or lighter. i know cigars, coffee and Fantasy Football wins are not going to “cure” me, nor are they going to contribute to my journey towards becoming the person i may have always wanted to be, they certainly make the journey a bit more pleasant and give me a bit of a boost when things look too grim to continue.

∞ DT ∞