≈ if i had died in active addiction, ≈
Posted: Fri, Nov 14, 2014 07:33:55 AM
i would have been bitterly deprived of so many of the joys of life.
so i went around and around and around about this particular seed this morning. at first it seemed perfect, then as i considered it, it seemed a bit cliché, and saccharine. in the long run, well, as is readily apparent, i used it as is, changed to fit me and the rules of the first thirty words on my blogs.
it is true, i DO NOT stay clean and do this gig day after day to stay miserable. it is weary to blame being miserable on recovery, and one of my peers who may be out and about, did exactly that. they blamed their misery on being clean and neglected the part that for this stuff to work, one has to do the work. quite honestly, in my opinion, there was a pay-off for all of their suffering: namely in their own mind, they looked heroic and martyred. yes, i am quite familiar with that behavior myself. it was once a a trademark for me, and i can find myself slipping back into it, when i choose to stop doing what has been working. it goes like this for me now:
my job sucks because i am not getting paid enough.
one of my co-workers is irritating whining person.
since i am not getting paid enough and have to work in a hostile work environment and am not saying anything, i am entitled to taking off early, taking long lunches and generally doing the bare minimum of work i am expected to do., after all, look at all i have to put up with.
so quickly i spun myself down into a spot of misery and i can rationalize it away, by “look what they MADE me do!”
today? well today, i am grateful for the job i just left, as much as it pains me to say it, i really did like working there, bumps and all. my new job? well not quite what i expected but challenging enough to keep my interest and see where it will take me. today, i can thrive and be more than i was yesterday, and remember that: entitlement, co-dependency and martyrdom are a recipe for disaster and the start of my spiritual death. i need not go there today.
so i went around and around and around about this particular seed this morning. at first it seemed perfect, then as i considered it, it seemed a bit cliché, and saccharine. in the long run, well, as is readily apparent, i used it as is, changed to fit me and the rules of the first thirty words on my blogs.
it is true, i DO NOT stay clean and do this gig day after day to stay miserable. it is weary to blame being miserable on recovery, and one of my peers who may be out and about, did exactly that. they blamed their misery on being clean and neglected the part that for this stuff to work, one has to do the work. quite honestly, in my opinion, there was a pay-off for all of their suffering: namely in their own mind, they looked heroic and martyred. yes, i am quite familiar with that behavior myself. it was once a a trademark for me, and i can find myself slipping back into it, when i choose to stop doing what has been working. it goes like this for me now:
my job sucks because i am not getting paid enough.
one of my co-workers is irritating whining person.
since i am not getting paid enough and have to work in a hostile work environment and am not saying anything, i am entitled to taking off early, taking long lunches and generally doing the bare minimum of work i am expected to do., after all, look at all i have to put up with.
so quickly i spun myself down into a spot of misery and i can rationalize it away, by “look what they MADE me do!”
today? well today, i am grateful for the job i just left, as much as it pains me to say it, i really did like working there, bumps and all. my new job? well not quite what i expected but challenging enough to keep my interest and see where it will take me. today, i can thrive and be more than i was yesterday, and remember that: entitlement, co-dependency and martyrdom are a recipe for disaster and the start of my spiritual death. i need not go there today.
∞ DT ∞