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life worthy of self-respect, is not that hard these days. while it is certainly true that on most days i fail to live up to the highest of my ideals, i also fail to fulfill the vilest and lowest expectations for myself, expectations that i once believed were inevitable, intractable and were something i would have to learn to accept. learning to live a program of active recovery and by following a spiritual path that does not include eternal damnation or salvation, puts the onus on me, myself and i, to look for how to do the next principled thing correctly. there is very little precision to this sort of living, as everything seems to be “fuzzy” and based on the events and circumstances that comprise my daily life. the only precise stuff i do, is to get my day started on the best spiritual path possible by dipping into STEP ELEVEN, before my feet hit the floor.
on days like this, where my watch failed to wake me up, because i did not check the battery level, before i laid my head to rest, when i “lost” an hour of action to sleep, i can be okay enough to stop the conversation in my head about how to “catch-up” and listen for what i needed to hear, as i sat. i can certainly say that it was not easy and after a bit of effort, i felt the void, as i have a desire to do, and got to listen to my heart. what i “heard” is that i could continue to live in the past, comparing my life today, to my life in the way back when, or i can move permanently into the here and now, and use that life as a bit of “experience” to allow others to realize that i am not as i always have been. i remember the days when i thought some of my peers with long stretches of clean time, must have been born serene, calm and filled to the brim with spiritual goodness. the irony here, is when i find the roles reversed, that one of my peers with less clean time, puts me on some sort of pedestal, not seeing the struggles i went through to get here, i feel the circle close. perhaps that is why i share more about how i am not living up to, rather than reveling in how i do. it may take a few more days to flip that script.
anyhow, it is time to get pounding out some code and proving my worth. i have a few more days to become less replaceable, and it is up to me, to do just that. it is a great day to live up to my ideals and disparage myself for not quite hitting that mark, this is, and here is a very appropriate place for a cliché, after all a program of progress, not perfection. 😝

∞ DT ∞