โ i feared that if i ever revealed myself as as i am โ
Posted: Sun, Jan 16, 2011 10:37:03 AM
i would surely be rejected.
man i am a sick pup this morning, physically more than spiritually. yest, i am not sick enough to want to stay in bed. in fact, i am doing everything in my power to deny that this rhinovirus is even part of my reality, by doing everything that i have planned. there is a silver lining, being sick allowed me to sleep in this morning and make me grateful that my only service commitment does not happen until much later this afternoon.
the reading while not specifically focused on being physically sick, did take me back to a time and place, where if something like a cold was kicking my proverbial butt, i made sure that everyone around me was just as miserable, that old cliché about misery loves company, was my mantra on days like these.
it also reminded me that no matter how bad i feel, spiritually or emotionally that is, there is someone in my life that wants to help, if i ask for it. yes, i really do have people in my life who care for me. as hard as it is for me to accept, they are here, they are willing, and although i am not entitled to their help, they will willingly give me whatever it is i happen to need.
a whole lot of words to get where i was going. the catch is that i have to let them know, and what the part of me who wants to look good tells me, is that i NEED to look invincible to the ravages of the addict within. looking good is more important that feeling good and if i act ‘as if’ nothing is wrong, anything that is wrong will vanish like smoke from within. yes in this particular case, i sometimes i believe that all i have to do is ignore the problem. while that may be true for the cold and the flu, as is often the case, the part of me that wants to recover knows that spiritual illness does not just vanish on its own, my experience is that the spiritual malady called addiction grows when left untreated and id left untreated long enough will return me to a life of active addiction.
that is, of course, what the addict within desire the most, an excuse to use again. so when i accept that as fact, there is only one path for me to follow, the path of active recovery. day by day, hour by hour, and yes even sometime minute by minute, it is my job to decide where my life is going today. when i decide i want do whatever it takes to stay clean, then my next task is to call someone who give a sh!t about me and ask for the help, only another addict in recovery can offer. this morning, i am actually in a fairly good place, all things considered. i slept in, there is not a huge pile of work waiting to get done, i am not running off to Denver to be a part of a service committee and i can take care of myself physically by taking it easy, while this cold runs it course, which it will do in its own time. i have no desire to use nor to alter the way i am feeling, and after preaching to the choir, i do have some direction about where to go and what to do next -- namely take a shower, clean-up the little bit of work i do have, and relax with a book and some football playoffs. oh yeah, and MAKE THAT CALL to someone who does care about whether or not i am part of their life. it is a good day to be me and i think i will leave it at that!
man i am a sick pup this morning, physically more than spiritually. yest, i am not sick enough to want to stay in bed. in fact, i am doing everything in my power to deny that this rhinovirus is even part of my reality, by doing everything that i have planned. there is a silver lining, being sick allowed me to sleep in this morning and make me grateful that my only service commitment does not happen until much later this afternoon.
the reading while not specifically focused on being physically sick, did take me back to a time and place, where if something like a cold was kicking my proverbial butt, i made sure that everyone around me was just as miserable, that old cliché about misery loves company, was my mantra on days like these.
it also reminded me that no matter how bad i feel, spiritually or emotionally that is, there is someone in my life that wants to help, if i ask for it. yes, i really do have people in my life who care for me. as hard as it is for me to accept, they are here, they are willing, and although i am not entitled to their help, they will willingly give me whatever it is i happen to need.
a whole lot of words to get where i was going. the catch is that i have to let them know, and what the part of me who wants to look good tells me, is that i NEED to look invincible to the ravages of the addict within. looking good is more important that feeling good and if i act ‘as if’ nothing is wrong, anything that is wrong will vanish like smoke from within. yes in this particular case, i sometimes i believe that all i have to do is ignore the problem. while that may be true for the cold and the flu, as is often the case, the part of me that wants to recover knows that spiritual illness does not just vanish on its own, my experience is that the spiritual malady called addiction grows when left untreated and id left untreated long enough will return me to a life of active addiction.
that is, of course, what the addict within desire the most, an excuse to use again. so when i accept that as fact, there is only one path for me to follow, the path of active recovery. day by day, hour by hour, and yes even sometime minute by minute, it is my job to decide where my life is going today. when i decide i want do whatever it takes to stay clean, then my next task is to call someone who give a sh!t about me and ask for the help, only another addict in recovery can offer. this morning, i am actually in a fairly good place, all things considered. i slept in, there is not a huge pile of work waiting to get done, i am not running off to Denver to be a part of a service committee and i can take care of myself physically by taking it easy, while this cold runs it course, which it will do in its own time. i have no desire to use nor to alter the way i am feeling, and after preaching to the choir, i do have some direction about where to go and what to do next -- namely take a shower, clean-up the little bit of work i do have, and relax with a book and some football playoffs. oh yeah, and MAKE THAT CALL to someone who does care about whether or not i am part of their life. it is a good day to be me and i think i will leave it at that!
∞ DT ∞