¤ as i have grown to feel comfortable with a HIGHER POWER as a source of strength, ¤
Posted: Sat, Jan 15, 2011 09:34:39 AM
i have learned to trust this POWER and to begin to overcome my fear of life.
this is one of those mornings where my mind is moving at light speed and yet i cannot seem to grasp anything. ideas on what to do fly in and out of my head so quickly, that sitting down to write, feels like a chore and an exercise in futility, as i will more than likely be diverted by the next idea long before i finish a thought. as futile as this may feel, i am moving forward, with as much courage as i can muster. it has been one of those weeks where although there is a lot for me to do, i feel like i got very little of it done. so how can i relate this back to the topic?
first off, i am coming to believe that this is not insanity. even though i am incapable of really getting a bead on where my head is going this morning, it just is. since i have started to have FAITH in my feelings and what i hear from the POWER that fuels my recovery, i have to accept that this morning, this JUST IS! as uncomfortable as being out of control is, for a control freak like me, i can move forward and allow the events of this day to unfold as they will.
of course, the self-fulfilling prophecy of a distraction, just as i was getting rolling came true. i left this task to do a quick bit of work, and yet somehow i am better able to think about where i want to do with this bit of a mind melt brain dump.
living FEAR is really exhausting, and not having anything to help me cope with FEAR does not help in slightest. when i was in active addiction, all sorts of things could take my FEAR of living away, and i could easily rationalize and justify the use of those things to do so. after all, living in FEAR is exhausting.
coming to the rooms, long before i was ready to actually come to recovery, my greatest FEAR was being found out by the powers that happen to control my freedom. as long as i could get away with using every now and again, there were more than enough behaviors to keep FEAR at bay, and i used every one of them. since my FEAR of getting found out, was greater than my FEAR of life, i lived in the twilight of the between worlds -- active addiction and active recovery. since i was still using i was closer to the darkness, but i could see the light of recovery and became tempted to give it a roll, as long as it was easy and did not hurt.
when the FEAR of losing my FREEDOM for years on end, finally was realized, due to my inability to NOT get away with using on the sly, i was finally ready for recovery. those first few days, weeks, months and years, were a FEAR based roller coaster ride through life. talk about exhausting, living in FEAR of life, because i was afraid of being assimilated into the mindless mass of what i thought the fellowships were offering me, made me so miserable, that i continually told myself, i WOULD USE AGAIN, just not today. that string of “just for todays” has stretched into the thousands and i am seeing that i really need not FEAR life itself. i have resources available to give me what i need today. i have a source of POWER that will put what i need into my life. most of all, i have learned to surrender to win and accept things as they are, at least right now. i have the ability to replace my FEAR of life with FAITH that it will be alright, if i just keep on doing the active recovery bit.
anyhow, i am out of ideas for this exercise, so it is time to see if i can organize what i need to do, and actually get cracking on it. i can walk in FAITH, that is i allow myself to, i will see what i NEED to do next.
this is one of those mornings where my mind is moving at light speed and yet i cannot seem to grasp anything. ideas on what to do fly in and out of my head so quickly, that sitting down to write, feels like a chore and an exercise in futility, as i will more than likely be diverted by the next idea long before i finish a thought. as futile as this may feel, i am moving forward, with as much courage as i can muster. it has been one of those weeks where although there is a lot for me to do, i feel like i got very little of it done. so how can i relate this back to the topic?
first off, i am coming to believe that this is not insanity. even though i am incapable of really getting a bead on where my head is going this morning, it just is. since i have started to have FAITH in my feelings and what i hear from the POWER that fuels my recovery, i have to accept that this morning, this JUST IS! as uncomfortable as being out of control is, for a control freak like me, i can move forward and allow the events of this day to unfold as they will.
of course, the self-fulfilling prophecy of a distraction, just as i was getting rolling came true. i left this task to do a quick bit of work, and yet somehow i am better able to think about where i want to do with this bit of a mind melt brain dump.
living FEAR is really exhausting, and not having anything to help me cope with FEAR does not help in slightest. when i was in active addiction, all sorts of things could take my FEAR of living away, and i could easily rationalize and justify the use of those things to do so. after all, living in FEAR is exhausting.
coming to the rooms, long before i was ready to actually come to recovery, my greatest FEAR was being found out by the powers that happen to control my freedom. as long as i could get away with using every now and again, there were more than enough behaviors to keep FEAR at bay, and i used every one of them. since my FEAR of getting found out, was greater than my FEAR of life, i lived in the twilight of the between worlds -- active addiction and active recovery. since i was still using i was closer to the darkness, but i could see the light of recovery and became tempted to give it a roll, as long as it was easy and did not hurt.
when the FEAR of losing my FREEDOM for years on end, finally was realized, due to my inability to NOT get away with using on the sly, i was finally ready for recovery. those first few days, weeks, months and years, were a FEAR based roller coaster ride through life. talk about exhausting, living in FEAR of life, because i was afraid of being assimilated into the mindless mass of what i thought the fellowships were offering me, made me so miserable, that i continually told myself, i WOULD USE AGAIN, just not today. that string of “just for todays” has stretched into the thousands and i am seeing that i really need not FEAR life itself. i have resources available to give me what i need today. i have a source of POWER that will put what i need into my life. most of all, i have learned to surrender to win and accept things as they are, at least right now. i have the ability to replace my FEAR of life with FAITH that it will be alright, if i just keep on doing the active recovery bit.
anyhow, i am out of ideas for this exercise, so it is time to see if i can organize what i need to do, and actually get cracking on it. i can walk in FAITH, that is i allow myself to, i will see what i NEED to do next.
∞ DT ∞