๐ณ getting some ๐ด
Posted: Thu, May 1, 2025 06:57:07 AM
freedom from self-obsession, through service to my fellowship, my family, my peers, and the world around me. there are some very rare cases when the two books from which i derive my source material, sync up. this morning was one of those instances, and no matter which one i chose to use, this little bit of mind-dumpery, would have been the same. as i have said in the past, i lived a life of transactional relationships, quid pro quo could have been my middle name. when one lives as i did for so long, self-obsession is more than just an unpleasant side-effect, it becomes part of one's identity, or at least it did for me. that sad story is one i have written about often enough, that i need not dwell in that house of pain this morning.
my journey through the minute i have been clean, has given more than a modicum of self-esteem, self-respect and self-acceptance. part of getting that thimble full of those attributes was learning how to serve without expectation of any reward, and for this addict, that was certainly a very tough sell. to say that i do not like to hear gratitude for my service being expressed would be a bald-faced lie. among the lessons i learned from my Mom's final years of living, was that i could survive and even thrive without the approval of others. she showed me that when i lived in the valley of requiring others to validate me, i would be forever doomed to hiding in the shadows, always seeking a spot light of attention, through manipulation, exaggeration and stories about myself that were tailored to the audience i was speaking to, omitting the details and context, to make myself look better than i felt i was. that i lived there, was not her fault, that was my own choice and one i made decades ago, when i took the blame for something she did.
this morning, as i prepare to step out into the sunlight of this day, i feel that i have the ability to be myself and live a program of recovery. i am also starting to get a glimpse of what i can change and what i have to accept and turn over to the care of the POWER that fuels my recovery. i am not quite there and i know the journey ahead is fraught with pitfalls and landmines, as it has been from the very beginning. at least, just for today, i am willing to allow myself the freedom to move forward, under the direction of my sponse and see what happens.
my journey through the minute i have been clean, has given more than a modicum of self-esteem, self-respect and self-acceptance. part of getting that thimble full of those attributes was learning how to serve without expectation of any reward, and for this addict, that was certainly a very tough sell. to say that i do not like to hear gratitude for my service being expressed would be a bald-faced lie. among the lessons i learned from my Mom's final years of living, was that i could survive and even thrive without the approval of others. she showed me that when i lived in the valley of requiring others to validate me, i would be forever doomed to hiding in the shadows, always seeking a spot light of attention, through manipulation, exaggeration and stories about myself that were tailored to the audience i was speaking to, omitting the details and context, to make myself look better than i felt i was. that i lived there, was not her fault, that was my own choice and one i made decades ago, when i took the blame for something she did.
this morning, as i prepare to step out into the sunlight of this day, i feel that i have the ability to be myself and live a program of recovery. i am also starting to get a glimpse of what i can change and what i have to accept and turn over to the care of the POWER that fuels my recovery. i am not quite there and i know the journey ahead is fraught with pitfalls and landmines, as it has been from the very beginning. at least, just for today, i am willing to allow myself the freedom to move forward, under the direction of my sponse and see what happens.
∞ DT ∞