Blog entry for:

the happiness and peace of mind i wish for, today.
as i sit here this morning, a bit ahead of schedule, as i did not resist getting up after my eyes popped open 20 minutes before the time i planned on waking up, i am immersed in a feeling of security and serenity. it is true, that i passed my one week review, although that was all manufactured in my head. it is true that a missing sponsee gave me a call, and restored my HOPE. it is true that i have been having a bit of a disagreement about the language i use as part of my recovery process, deliberately avoiding the politically correct terms that remove the sting from many of the things that are said in the rooms. still, with all of that going on, and me preparing to get out and hit the streets at dawn, there is a feeling of rightness that is surrounding me. as i contemplate the reading, and i do see it as a TENTH STEP reading and more than anything else a reading about adding balance to my TENTH STEP. here is where i GET the opportunity to build my esteem and my self-respect and it is here that i mostly ignore for the greater part of my journey. i forget that in all the activities that comprise my day, there is often more good and totally neutral behaviors and actions than bad ones. it is the bad ones that i most often focus on, and it is that focus that gives the part of me i call addiction the power it has over me. here is where the politically correct crap hits reality, because the good i do, in though and deed, flies under my radar and as a result i FEEL much worse than i actually am. here is what that part of me i call addiction, attacks day after day, minimizing the good and neutral and magnifying the bad and evil. this morning i feel fortunate that i GET to read this, ponder this and hopefully apply this to my everyday living at least today.
the real question is, at least for me, is how do i acknowledge the positive without feeding my ego? conceit and pride, in various forms are part of me, after all. here is where a generous dollop of humility can be liberally applied. yes, i am doing good, yes i am creating less strife and chaos as i walk through my day, and yes it is the result of a daily decision i make to live a [program of active recovery. because of that decision, i actually have a chance to receive guidance from the POWER that fuels my recovery, through the people and events that comprise my daily living experience. being present and awake is my task, implementing what i hear is the natural consequence when i walking my talk. when i choose to ignore that guidance? well,. that is where the corrective part of STEP 10 comes into play!
so how am i doing today? well! i have what i need, i have the desire to stay clean, i have the willingness to do what it takes and i see the sun starting to peek over the horizon, so it is getting to be time to get a workout under my proverbial belt, after all just for today, i can be something more than i was yesterday, you guys tell me how.

∞ DT ∞