Blog entry for:

honest self-assessment cannot be overstated for one such as myself. before i drop into the generalization bucket and smear my peers with a broad brush of sweeping and overarching generalizations, as my source material seems to suggest, i can say that everything that i write about applies to me and me only. if one finds themselves being tossed into a category or bucket by what it is i am writing about, perhaps one will need to consult with a different, and inherently more wiser source. with that caveat behind me, it is time to dive down the rabbit hole that i was presented with, as i sat this morning.
over nearly the past four weeks, i have had a using addict in my life, that i have had to deal with on a nearly daily basis, unless of course i ignored the shot out of them. they are so wrapped up in self and being the victim that they are paralyzed with fear and paranoia, and certain that every one is out to get them, based on their previous experience. what they fail to admit is that had they reached out for help and stayed clean from the beginning, the direction of the past few weeks would have been entirely different and they might have actually accomplished their greatest desire. all of that may be true, but what bubbled up to the surface for me this morning is that i have allowed myself to be disrespected and used by this addict, simply because i did not and do not want to “listen” to the litany of how wronged they have been, time and time again. the easier and simpler way has been to keep my mouth shut, take their abuse and move along to do what they desired, as quickly and as quietly as possible. for the most part, that strategy has worked, until i had to listen once again to the insanity that spewed from the heart and their head yesterday afternoon.
this morning, as i sat, i saw that caving into my desire to disengage by complying was a return to the passive-aggressive self that i thought was dead. the good part is that i did not flee into aggression, i merely stayed in the passive part, building up and knot of anger that will explode and spew my feelings all over the landscape of this relationship. i know that living in anger will destroy whatever serenity i may garner across the course of my daily journey and telling them y-0that i was tired of being disrespected yesterday, was quite the shocker for them. for me, it released the anger, sort of like a safety valve and this morning i feel pity for them, rather than anger. i know pity is not a feeling to inspire any pride in my behavior, it simply is the best description to sum up my current state of feelings in this manner. for me, it means i can move forward, away from resentment and into a bit of HOPE, that they may actually make their third appointment to get where they are going. it also means i can be present for those in my life, who are living their lives, responsibly and with presence in the here and now, and give them what i can. it also means that i am at the end of this little missive to myself and ready to hit the streets for six or so miles of pedestrian effort. it is certainly a good day to be aware of who i am, good, bad and indifferent, just for today.

∞ DT ∞