Blog entry for:
Mon, Aug 30, 2004 04:47:42 AM
doing better than i think
posted: Mon, Aug 30, 2004 04:47:42 AM
i am in a bit of a funk lately and it always seems to happen this time of year. as my clean date anniversary approaches, i think back and reflect on what i was feeling and who i was the last two weeks before starting the journey through recovery.
i was a fraud, taking tokens of continuous clean time, telling everyone that i had 6 months clean, and sharing as if i really knew something. the walls of denial were starting to crumble, and reality was starting to set in. this however was not enough to allow me to start recovery, i still had to use and was sentenced to going to meetings. i was miserable, i could not use without hiding and i refused to let anyone in on what was going on.
i am not that way today, but this link to my past, while reminding me of where i came from, still makes me feel as if nothing has changed.
yes i have not used for the longest period of time since i started using at 15. yes i have people in my life that believe i have made some progress. yes i have allowed the process to work. and yet even this evidence fails to lift the cloud. this morning's just for today reading is an excellent reminder that i can act my way into better thinking, all i have to do is let it.
somewhere, i got the notion that i have to be perfect and after this length of recovery i should be some sort of, oh i don't know, spiritual giant, with my character defects gone, acting and thinking on a spiritual basis constantly, never causing any harm or chaos.
this belief has never been validated by anyone i have worked with nor is it in our literature anywhere. so that leads me to the conclusion that i am either fVcked, or my disease is working under the surface to sabotage the entire process. the latter is the most probable answer to my dilemma, so once again the disease of addiction has an upper hand. once again i must surrender to the fact that i am powerless over my addiction and that my life is unmanageable as a result and once again i must have the HOPE that GOD can and will restore me to sanity if i get out of self-will and allow GOD to work in my life.
the answer is almost too simple for me to accept on anything but an emotional level, so i guess that now is the time to let my instincts and feelings work for me.
-- DT --
i was a fraud, taking tokens of continuous clean time, telling everyone that i had 6 months clean, and sharing as if i really knew something. the walls of denial were starting to crumble, and reality was starting to set in. this however was not enough to allow me to start recovery, i still had to use and was sentenced to going to meetings. i was miserable, i could not use without hiding and i refused to let anyone in on what was going on.
i am not that way today, but this link to my past, while reminding me of where i came from, still makes me feel as if nothing has changed.
yes i have not used for the longest period of time since i started using at 15. yes i have people in my life that believe i have made some progress. yes i have allowed the process to work. and yet even this evidence fails to lift the cloud. this morning's just for today reading is an excellent reminder that i can act my way into better thinking, all i have to do is let it.
somewhere, i got the notion that i have to be perfect and after this length of recovery i should be some sort of, oh i don't know, spiritual giant, with my character defects gone, acting and thinking on a spiritual basis constantly, never causing any harm or chaos.
this belief has never been validated by anyone i have worked with nor is it in our literature anywhere. so that leads me to the conclusion that i am either fVcked, or my disease is working under the surface to sabotage the entire process. the latter is the most probable answer to my dilemma, so once again the disease of addiction has an upper hand. once again i must surrender to the fact that i am powerless over my addiction and that my life is unmanageable as a result and once again i must have the HOPE that GOD can and will restore me to sanity if i get out of self-will and allow GOD to work in my life.
the answer is almost too simple for me to accept on anything but an emotional level, so i guess that now is the time to let my instincts and feelings work for me.
-- DT --
The views expressed on this page are solely the opinion of the author.
While the author is a member of a 12 Step recovery fellowship, these writings are not intended to endorse or express the published wisdom of any fellowship.
These writings are not meant to be socially or politically correct, and if you take issue with any opinions expressed, please seek the guidance of someone wiser than me.
While the author is a member of a 12 Step recovery fellowship, these writings are not intended to endorse or express the published wisdom of any fellowship.
These writings are not meant to be socially or politically correct, and if you take issue with any opinions expressed, please seek the guidance of someone wiser than me.
Another Look!
α better thinking through better acting α 260 words ➥ Tuesday, August 30, 2005 by: donnot∞ i treat others badly when i feel bad about myself? ∞ 471 words ➥ Wednesday, August 30, 2006 by: donnot
↔ the joy i inspire may lift the spirits of those around me, ↔ 429 words ➥ Thursday, August 30, 2007 by: donnot
∞ the way i treat others often reveals my own spiritual state of being ∞ 471 words ➥ Saturday, August 30, 2008 by: donnot
µ when i treat others well, i feel good about myself µ 895 words ➥ Sunday, August 30, 2009 by: donnot
• i examine my actions, reactions, and motives • 619 words ➥ Monday, August 30, 2010 by: donnot
³ a decision to be kind may nurture and sustain ³ 593 words ➥ Tuesday, August 30, 2011 by: donnot
· the fellowship has given me much more than simple abstinence — 463 words ➥ Thursday, August 30, 2012 by: donnot
µ i will remember that if i change my actions, µ 405 words ➥ Friday, August 30, 2013 by: donnot
∫ when i am feeling off center, i AM likely ∫ 472 words ➥ Saturday, August 30, 2014 by: donnot
♠ doing good, ♠ 605 words ➥ Sunday, August 30, 2015 by: donnot
✸ change my actions, ✸ 550 words ➥ Tuesday, August 30, 2016 by: donnot
🌎 doing better 🌏 602 words ➥ Wednesday, August 30, 2017 by: donnot
🌝 adding **positive** truths 🌚 572 words ➥ Thursday, August 30, 2018 by: donnot
🌈 treating others well 🌈 616 words ➥ Friday, August 30, 2019 by: donnot
😈 actions, 😇 487 words ➥ Sunday, August 30, 2020 by: donnot
😮 a decision 😵 365 words ➥ Monday, August 30, 2021 by: donnot
🛎 a positive truth 🛎 385 words ➥ Tuesday, August 30, 2022 by: donnot
💯 the value of 💯 617 words ➥ Wednesday, August 30, 2023 by: donnot
☯ The Tao that can be spoken is not the eternal Tao ☯
by Lao-Tse
Translated by James Legge
Book 2
1) There is nothing in the world more soft and weak than water, and
yet for attacking things that are firm and strong there is nothing
that can take precedence of it;--for there is nothing (so effectual)
for which it can be changed.