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many of my peers complain about how this program of recovery tears down their ego. i certainly understand that feeling and once i realized that it was not my ego i was working on, rather it was my whole being, i became less upset at looking at the “negative” bits and accepted that i was a moving towards a state of &#neutral” spiritual buoyancy, to paraphrase one of the men that calls me his sponsor. quite honestly, this addict, without a doubt needed a bit of “right-sizing.” once i saw that i was not as different nor as broken as i believed i was, i was tempted to return to my old ways and attitudes, after all, now i had found the “root cause” of my addiction. that fallacy played over and over again in my head, until i saw that i was trying to replace one lie with another. moving into the here and now, means attempting to bring balance into all aspects of my life and part of that balance is accepting without conditions that i am a dyed in wool, garden variety addict and the only way to becoming a better fit for the world around me is through the recovery program that has given me this life.
this morning as i fretted and fumed, chomping on my cigar, as i made my way to the office, i realized that i was certainly behaving better than i want to admit. i did not flip off any of the “migratory weaver birds” that had to get in front of me, nor did i spew a profane string of invectives in my head or out loud. i merely sighed and went upon my way. that is certainly an indication of doing better than i think i am.
embracing the “positive” stuff i do, is as important as looking at my less than stellar behaviors, but it is not a replacement for humble self-assessment. it certainly is a good day to allow myself to achieve a neutral outlook on who i am and where i am going. perhaps, as i wind down this evening, i will remember that all that i do, makes me all that i am, just for today.

∞ DT ∞