Blog entry for:

i may continue to fall down occasionally, but i am learning that, even though i do not always see it, there is a helping hand to set me on my feet again.
yes that is a HAND UP NOT A HAND OUT!
i know that went without saying, however, based on some of the stuff i have been hearing lately, i had to Maker that point perfectly clear. i truly believe this morning, that i am NOT entitled to anything i am willing to work for, and all that i have is a gift from the POWER that fuels my recovery, that i became ready to accept by doing the work. that sounds like a clever spin, a twist on words bordering on sophistry, but it really is not. there was a time, and there are still times, when i FEEL that what i have is a reward for staying clean, and doing my best to live this program. in other words, i was entitled to a relationship, a house, a job, friends and the desire to stay clean. based on some of the garbage i have been hearing lately, that seems to be a common attitude. does it not promise that i WILL BE happy, joyous and free, if i stay clean? no not really. the only EXPLICIT PROMISE is freedom from active addiction and ONLY IF i do my best to live this program. you see, when i look at the caveats that are attached, my expectations of myself and others can diminish to the point of almost nothing. yes i got some days, yes i still work steps, and yes i do my best to live this gig, BUT life is a mystery, and i have no clue what is going to happen in the next 15 minutes, much less the next 15 months or 15 years. as much as i want to believe i have a grasp on reality and can see where all of this is going, the simple fact is, i cannot, and as a result, when things do not go the way i thought they ought to, i get pissy and pouty, petulant for lack of a better word, and often stumble into the same behaviors that characterized active addiction. of course, when i snap back to reality, start to pick myself up and brush myself off,. there is always the kindness of those who are sharing the journey with me, to help me get back on the path. they are there without being asked, and even though i loath to ask them, they will give me whatever i need to continue my spiritual journey, even if it is NOT what i think i need.
so where is the HOPE? yes i still fVck up, even after some clean time. the HOPE is in the fact that i mess up less often, the damages to myself and those around me are less severe . for the most part, and i get to practice self-support and humility every time i stumble and fall. best of all, none of this is a set of conditions necessary to allow me to get high. i can fVck up, be fVcked up and still not use, no matter what, and that is the gift of continuing recovery -- THE DESIRE TO BE BETTER TODAY than i was yesterday and the HOPE THAT I CAN BE BE EVEN BETTER TOMORROW.
as the march of time continues, i see it is time to sign-off and start the process of getting down to Broomfield, for another 8 hours of paid compensation. i am grateful for that opportunity as well as the opportunity to write this, all i need to do now is figure out how to work my physical exercise workout into this new pattern of living. patience is noyt my strong suit, but i know i will get it all figured out.

∞ DT ∞