Blog entry for:

the whole success failure paradox has always been a mystery for me. since the dawn of time i have seemed to fear to fail with such intensity that i refuse to move forward, i choose to allow the events of my life make my choices for me and then deal with what comes as a result. the fact that i have i have the resources inside myself to succeed seems to elude me. one of those resources is the fellowship and program that has given me a new life. the catch however is i have to ask for help. asking for help is another of those things that i seem to be incapable of. whether it was the disease of active addiction, my socialization or my upbringing does not matter. what matters is that i ask for help as a final and i mean a FINAL resort. after all, as i have said before, i came into this program of mutual-support kicking and screaming, and some days it feels like nothing has changed. asking for help feels like failure. the admission that i am not truly self-supporting in all things feels like weakness. asking question feels like an admission of ignorance. and the part of me that i call my disease uses all of those things against me, to prevent me from seeking the guidance that is available to me.
the good news is that i can choose to ignore the screams of self-abuse and do what i need to -- take a risk, live with a stumble, ask someone who has walked the path before me for a bit of guidance and take a suggestion or three on how to do it better. really quite simple if you look at it, just not very easy. but the easier, softer way only gets me in trouble, so perhaps today i will avail myself to the resources at my disposal -- maybe!
:) DT :)