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so every now and again, i stop sharing at meetings. sometimes it is because i FEEL like i have nothing to say, and on those occasions it is not a bad decision. other times it is because i am going through drama and trauma, and i do not wish to dilute the message of HOPE, that is the atmosphere of recovery in most meetings. finally there are the times when the addict within tells me what i have to say is just a waste of breath and no one wants to hear the bumper stickers and clichés as they tumble out my mouth. those latter two cases are when i am in treacherous territory, the first is all about maintaining appearances, the second is all about feeling less than the other members in the room. BOTH of these cases stem from the same place, FEAR!
in fact, nine out ten times, my less than stellar behavior is driven by FEAR. FEAR that i am a fraud and all of you are about to see that for real. FEAR that i have little worth, FEAR that if i am honest, i will have no one in my life, and i will end up all alone. of course, there is always the FEAR that all of this is just a rest stop on my march towards death as a using addict. when i march through the FEAR and open my mouth i am almost always so anxious, that i cannot say anything clever, erudite or pithy and the words stumble out with what feels like little relation to each other or any cogent idea at all.
getting back to the topic at hand, being a main line speaker at conventions was certainly something i always wanted to be, it still would be a nice thing to accomplish. it boost my fragile ego and i would feel like somehow i have arrived, i have become some sort of star and have celebrity. honestly, it is tough to admit that is still a secret desire for me, a fantasy that more than likely will never come true. yes it is true, i could use the techniques i learned in college to become a very polished speaker, after all i got an ‘A’ in speech.i could use all of those techniques: outlines, structure, practice in front a of a mirror, anecdotes and written notes, to become a very polished speaker. as i have grown in recovery, i have come to the realization, that while that could certainly BECOME a reality, i do have that ability, my message would get hidden under the pile of sh!t called technique. that certainly may be okay for the Kiwanis or Rotary club, but here in the fellowship that has given me a new manner of living, for me, it never would be okay.
anyhow, i know i have a message to give to others, and in my stumbling, rambling manner, i carry that message best. what might that message be? that if a hope to die dope fiend like me, can get clean and find this new manner of living, so can anyone else.
the call i expected has not come, so i do believe i will jump in the shower and let the day progress as it will. it is a great day to be clean, and my message is mine and no one else's and to diminish it, or cover it in spin, will not further my journey to becoming the person i have always wanted to be.

∞ DT ∞