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sometimes, a terminally ill person will have a **surge** just before dying. in these moments they seem to be **cured** and have the power they had before they got sick or injured. my hope is that this past election season is just that a **surge** for the hate-mongers and last of the racist dinosaurs who want to magically transport the nation back to a time that never existed, but at least they were certain of the power. what amazes me the most, is the license some of the POTUS-elect supporters have taken with their interactions in the real world. somehow they believe they can be rude, intolerant and hateful to others, in public, with impunity because their candidate won. how does an election change the rules of civil discourse.rude is still rude, racism and misogyny is still misogyny and NO MATTER who the POTUS happens to be, that is NOT going to change. what amazes me, is how he chides the losing side for not being fair, but says nothing to his supporters about racism and hatred not being okay. i guess i am going to have to go exercise my 2nd Amendment right and get a concealed carry permit, after all. if you cannot beat them… dammit all, there i go off on politics again. an incident that happens to my significant other's co-worker was the seed for that bit of diatribe. i am quite certain things are going to get worse, instead of better, but i am also hoping that the crucible that forges America, does not destroy all that i hold dear.
so what about my story and my aspirations to be a convention circuit speaker? number one, i no longer have a desire to be convention speaker, in fact i have not even spoken at our local convention since i was five years clean. that notion, as attractive as it once was, is no longer bright and shiny, as i get a few days clean. today. i will speak when i am asked to, share openly on occasion in the meetings i attend, but most of the message i carry is one-on-one and to populations that cannot get out to meetings in general. does that mean my pride and ego, once so large and looming, no longer affects what i think, believe and have become? not by a long shot. while pride and ego play less of a part in my day-to-day life, they have not been removed, and i certainly love to hear how their pride and ego has been removed. no i am still prideful, arrogant and conceited, BUT, and it certainly is a big one, day by day, as i live a program of recovery, those three shortcomings are activated less and less. as i become more self-assured and do more esteem-able actions, my need for that to be noticed diminishes. as my need to stand out became less important in my life, my desire to polish my story into a convention-ready gem, diminished as well. do not make any mistake here, i would certainly be thrilled to speak at any convention, local, regional or worldwide,. these days, i have a different focus and whether it is maturity in recovery, spiritual growth or a rude awakening, the fact is, my story, such as it is, is mine and mine alone. the twist and turns are my twists and turns and my journey to where i am, is mine. part of the reason that my desire has decreased over the days, is i have this little bit of cyberspace to drop my stuff on, and not knowing or caring, who does or does not read this, makes me less desirous of having an audience. the nice part is: here i have a freedom that i do not have as a convention speaker or when sharing in the rooms. i can say precisely what is on my mind and know that anyone can form whatever judgements they want to form, based on what i drop in my nearly daily drop. this is better than an hour in front of a thousand of my peers, as here is historicity and a demonstration of how i have changed across the course of my recovery. i have the potential to be reaching far more and that used to weigh heavily on my mind, as i “crafted” my message to get picked up and turn viral. yes i struggle from time to time with reality and my place within it.😏
yes i have a story to tell, one full of ironic twists and turns and certainly convention ready, but my aspirations have been “right-sized” today, and i am grateful that i do have a story that belongs to no one else.

∞ DT ∞