Blog entry for:

may identify with what i honestly choose to share. these days however, in most of the meeting i show up at, i do not share anything at all. i can fill pages and pages of lies that can excuse and explain my quietude. in fact, last week was a prime example, even though there was stuff shared with by my peers that i “believed” needed to be “corrected,” i sat quietly fuming instead of responding about how “off the mark” and “dangerous” their words sounded to me. in that moment, i am quite certain that was the next right thing to do. as much as i would like to say that this phase of quietly sitting in meetings will pass, and i am certain it will, i will probably never submit a recording of myself for consideration to be a speaker at convention. i have come to see that as important as it is for me to make my message heard, that is not a path i choose to walk upon.
over the few days i have been clean, i have “polished” the story of my early days of recovery into a couple of nice neat packages. the main one being an angry, resentful and seething addict forced into recovery by the tyrannical and unjust justice system. that version includes details of using and believing i was “getting away” with it as well as deceiving the fellowship and sullying its reputation, in the eyes of the agents of that cruel justice system. i understand the shame of having to came back and own a lie,. and it took six months of hiding out in a fellowship that did not fit, for me to develop enough courage to walk back into these “friendly confines.” it took over another year for me to own that i was an addict and to become a member, so i understand “cross-fellowshipping” and the reluctance to commit. i understand wanting to clump all those sets of twenty-eight days into recovery to claim six months clean, to shore up my brutally battered self-esteem, i just took it to the extreme. i also understand the self-delusion and how self-centered i was, when i thought that the justice system had their “rats” in the rooms and that they were getting “updates” on my progress. the fact that i am sitting here today, is a testament to the program and the fellowship and not to me, as i did everything i could to disprove the fact that i am an addict.
does my story really matter to anyone ELSE? i really cannot say, what i can say, my story is the one thing i totally own and can give away at no cost to myself. perhaps this week the dam will bust open and i will start sharing every time i get the chance. perhaps i will even share when i have nothing germane to share, after all, i am well-versed in slogans, bumper stickers and bon mots. or maybe, i will allow myself to be okay and do the next right thing, even if it is letting go of what i discern as ridiculous and sitting quietly to ponder the pearls of wisdom my peers cast before this swine.

∞ DT ∞