โ every time i get up to speak, i find all the clever lines and funny stories seem to disappear from my mind. โ
Posted: Sun, Nov 12, 2006 10:06:44 AM
but i do have something to offer. i carry the message of hope -- i can and do recover from my addiction. and that is enough.
and lately this little piece of recovery has been more difficult than ever for me. it used to be that when i got up to share my story or any piece of my story i could choose a focus at the beginning of my share and stick to it. lately, in fact as late as last night i seem to go in directions i had not even imagined, and being the control freak that i am, i try and try to redirect my share back towards what i think i want to be sharing at that particular moment. the most disconcerting part of that is that as hard as i try i always seem to go back on the tangent i was sharing about before i tried my little exercise in control. ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
it is more than a bit frustrating that i have lost control of my stream of consciousness in this regard. so after a few attempts i just surrender to the fact, that perhaps something else is in charge of what i am sharing and move forward going wherever the winds of this force push me. of course i then spend the next few days wondering how i lost control and what is really going on with me. this morning the conclusion i have reached is that perhaps this is all the will o the POWER THAT KEEPS ME CLEAN AND PROVIDES FOR ALL MY NEEDS, and it would just be a whole lot easier to surrender to that conclusion and accept that i am not in control of even this simple task any more. however, i probably will continue to resist this notion and try to be who i am not, after all i have yet to become some sort of saint, and the way things are going i do not expect tat event to occur any time in the near future. so off to relaxing and celebrating and enjoying the rest of my day. perhaps i can obsess about something else for a while!
and lately this little piece of recovery has been more difficult than ever for me. it used to be that when i got up to share my story or any piece of my story i could choose a focus at the beginning of my share and stick to it. lately, in fact as late as last night i seem to go in directions i had not even imagined, and being the control freak that i am, i try and try to redirect my share back towards what i think i want to be sharing at that particular moment. the most disconcerting part of that is that as hard as i try i always seem to go back on the tangent i was sharing about before i tried my little exercise in control. ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
it is more than a bit frustrating that i have lost control of my stream of consciousness in this regard. so after a few attempts i just surrender to the fact, that perhaps something else is in charge of what i am sharing and move forward going wherever the winds of this force push me. of course i then spend the next few days wondering how i lost control and what is really going on with me. this morning the conclusion i have reached is that perhaps this is all the will o the POWER THAT KEEPS ME CLEAN AND PROVIDES FOR ALL MY NEEDS, and it would just be a whole lot easier to surrender to that conclusion and accept that i am not in control of even this simple task any more. however, i probably will continue to resist this notion and try to be who i am not, after all i have yet to become some sort of saint, and the way things are going i do not expect tat event to occur any time in the near future. so off to relaxing and celebrating and enjoying the rest of my day. perhaps i can obsess about something else for a while!
∞ DT ∞