β i am still learning the hard way that β
Posted: Thu, Apr 19, 2012 07:53:09 AM
for people like me, serenity comes only from working the steps. there is no doubt, that i am always looking for the easier and softer way to do something. regardless if this is part of being human, or a trait of addiction, it is a fact of life for me. it is also tue, that i have come to believe that somehow i am entitled to more, while doing less. those two facts collide with the topic of the reading this morning, namely if i want more, i have to do what it takes. that is sometimes a bitter pill to swallow. knowing that does NOT make anything easier.
so where do i go from here? well of course there is the party line, WORK THE STEPS MF or DIE! i see and accept that, so there is really nothing more to say going down that rabbit hole. choosing to continue, there is a tangent that does spring to mind, when i came to recovery, all those days ago, i did not believe i would be here past the first eighteen months or so, after all i was different and did not think i had a problem. or at least a problem with the uncontrolled use of drugs. my problem was a legal one, and once that was resolved, i would have no need to be here anymore. that is so 14 and a half years ago, and yet there is still a part of me that wants to believe that lie. everything that i have today, would be mine even if i had continued down the path i was going. the details may not be the same, but in broad general strokes my life would have looked quite similar. the only to explode that self-perpetuating myth is to look at it as rationally and dispassionately as i can. so looking at the physical aspects, would i really have car that is paid off, a mortgage or money in the bank? when i came here, i was nearly unemployable, and living from paycheck to paycheck. my dream of a college degree had been forgotten and was medicated away on a daily basis.. my credit was in shambles and i owed the federal government all sorts of money for lack of paying my debts to my Uncle Sam. in fact, all my bills were in arrears, and honestly now that i look at it, i lacked the desire to do anything about that, as money was what i needed to GET what i needed to survive, my fix 'o the day. without the program i would still be miserably broke, but certainly high, so i would not give a flying fVck about that. the other day was my birthday and i have people in my life that genuinely wished my a happy one, in fact far more than i ever dreamed of ever having. back in the day, i would announce that it was and expect to be showered with gifts and perks, only to be disappointed that shower of affection ended up a few drinks lunch with my Mom and one or two well wishers, the rest of the world took little notice of what i wanted to celebrate. talk about unmet self-entitled expectations! today, the relationships i have are loving and caring, and you know what, are the result of me coming to terms with who and what i am, through the process of recovery. the real magic here, is that i actually care about them as well, and will do what i can to assist them in their journey through life.
so would i really have gotten what i have, if i had chose to leave the program all those days ago, when the justice system left my life? maybe, f i could have stayed clean, but the second i used, none of what i am today, could have come to fruition. at first i would have been careful, believing that after a bit of clean time, i could control my use and limit it to…
the truth is i could not limit it for very long and my risk taking behavior would have eventually led me into situations that would have the dire consequences of jails, institutions and death. looking at it in that manner, doing the footwork to be in recovery is the easier, softer way for me, after all, most days i love the life i have and that life is the consequence of doing this gig to the best of my ability each and every day. so i guess i did go down the party line after all. well that is not so terrible, as it was something i needed to say for me. every time i counter the lie, i get that much better and learning how to do this gig called life like the other 85% is not a bad goal. there is however only one path that will allow me to do so, and guess what i am already on it! with that i will save this away and get ready to face the real world, it is a great day to be on this side of the grass and in a program of ACTIVE recovery.
so where do i go from here? well of course there is the party line, WORK THE STEPS MF or DIE! i see and accept that, so there is really nothing more to say going down that rabbit hole. choosing to continue, there is a tangent that does spring to mind, when i came to recovery, all those days ago, i did not believe i would be here past the first eighteen months or so, after all i was different and did not think i had a problem. or at least a problem with the uncontrolled use of drugs. my problem was a legal one, and once that was resolved, i would have no need to be here anymore. that is so 14 and a half years ago, and yet there is still a part of me that wants to believe that lie. everything that i have today, would be mine even if i had continued down the path i was going. the details may not be the same, but in broad general strokes my life would have looked quite similar. the only to explode that self-perpetuating myth is to look at it as rationally and dispassionately as i can. so looking at the physical aspects, would i really have car that is paid off, a mortgage or money in the bank? when i came here, i was nearly unemployable, and living from paycheck to paycheck. my dream of a college degree had been forgotten and was medicated away on a daily basis.. my credit was in shambles and i owed the federal government all sorts of money for lack of paying my debts to my Uncle Sam. in fact, all my bills were in arrears, and honestly now that i look at it, i lacked the desire to do anything about that, as money was what i needed to GET what i needed to survive, my fix 'o the day. without the program i would still be miserably broke, but certainly high, so i would not give a flying fVck about that. the other day was my birthday and i have people in my life that genuinely wished my a happy one, in fact far more than i ever dreamed of ever having. back in the day, i would announce that it was and expect to be showered with gifts and perks, only to be disappointed that shower of affection ended up a few drinks lunch with my Mom and one or two well wishers, the rest of the world took little notice of what i wanted to celebrate. talk about unmet self-entitled expectations! today, the relationships i have are loving and caring, and you know what, are the result of me coming to terms with who and what i am, through the process of recovery. the real magic here, is that i actually care about them as well, and will do what i can to assist them in their journey through life.
so would i really have gotten what i have, if i had chose to leave the program all those days ago, when the justice system left my life? maybe, f i could have stayed clean, but the second i used, none of what i am today, could have come to fruition. at first i would have been careful, believing that after a bit of clean time, i could control my use and limit it to…
the truth is i could not limit it for very long and my risk taking behavior would have eventually led me into situations that would have the dire consequences of jails, institutions and death. looking at it in that manner, doing the footwork to be in recovery is the easier, softer way for me, after all, most days i love the life i have and that life is the consequence of doing this gig to the best of my ability each and every day. so i guess i did go down the party line after all. well that is not so terrible, as it was something i needed to say for me. every time i counter the lie, i get that much better and learning how to do this gig called life like the other 85% is not a bad goal. there is however only one path that will allow me to do so, and guess what i am already on it! with that i will save this away and get ready to face the real world, it is a great day to be on this side of the grass and in a program of ACTIVE recovery.
∞ DT ∞