Some memes

who i am, is an excuse i no longer need to engage in harmful behavior, no matter how much i have always relied on it. as i sit down to pound this out, this was not where i thought i would be headed, as i sat this morning. in fact, i saw this line in my source material as a throw-away, as i am much better than that. driving to my home group and listening to what my peers shared, opened up a door for me, that i explored on my way home. one of my peers, shared that he was afraid to hear the diagnosis his therapist was ready to provide for him. the part he took in and internalized was all about him and missed the point of the world does not revolve around him. he always has an excuse at the ready for what he does, including “borrowing” the daily paper from one of his neighbors, because he always returns it, when he goes back. i could throw a judgement here, but i will leave it at that, as it fits the portrait of himself, that he has built up.
i do, however, need to turn the focus back on to me. i know that i have always had an excuse at the ready, when my behavior is less than stellar. this ancient and quite familiar pattern is one i am coming to loathe. the question that remains is: am i really powerless over that part of me and i need to accept it, or is it something i have the power to change. not all that long ago, the statement that i used as my seed, would have sufficed, after all, it is not my “job” to foster change, that is a job better left to the POWER that fuels my recovery. right here and right now, i certainly see that too, is a cop-out, that allows me to skate on my responsibility to recovery and making the change in my thinking, by behaving in a different manner. i am now getting the feeling, that my THIRD STEP is starting to kick my ass and i have yet to do any part of actually working it.
i have changed my commitment to living a more healthy life and becoming fit. i have changed the manner in which i live in my relationships with those closest to me and the world around me. neither of those were easy and were fraught with peril. the results of doing so, have made me much more ware of where i need to work and what i truly need to leave in the care of the POWER that fuels my recovery. more will certainly be revealed and it is time for me to get out, get some steps and allow myself the freedom to work on the stuff that i can change, just for today.

∞ DT ∞