Some memes

of who I am are here to stay, while other aspects may need a little work. i am not overly fond of being a work in progress, when it comes to my spiritual and emotional development. i truly hate being compared to an onion and the steps peeling away the layers to reveal my “true” self. much to my ongoing chagrin, some of my closest peers use both of those bon mots when they share and the former irks me because i want to believe, rightly or wrongly, that i am a complete person and really do not need to grow into my skin. the onion metaphor has to do more with where it came from, rather than anything else and yes i still have a few issues with that fellowship that are not yet resolved. this is neither the time nor the place to list the particular litany of sins and so i will move on to what i heard this morning.
just as i want to believe i am “whole” countering the lie that i am “broken,” the fact is that i am somewhere in between whole and too broken for public consumption. no matter how i slice and dice it, i am different from the person who committed to a fellowship and recovery in that fellowship, all those days ago. where once selfish self0interst ruled the roost, today i care and can actually be kind without expecting anything in return. i do, however, get a bit ticked off when ,my kindness is not acknowledged, so it just goes to show that intellectually i may not expect a return but emotionally i still do. just as i always how that any good deed i do, gets witnessed by someone else, even though, once again i “should” just be doing it because it is the next right thing to do. yes emotionally and intellectually there certainly is still a bit of disconnect for me. that does not stop me from doing the next right thing, but it does make me want to shout it from the top of the rooftops to prove to everyone how “well” i am.
what is next for me today? some down time in the cigar store and either some binge watching The Boys, or completing the refresh of my website, when i get back home. i also have the desire to start writing on my new project and then i realized that i have more than one unfinished work in progress. this is part of who i was and apparently still part of who i am. i get all excited about something, then let it slip away when it is just “good enough.” if i want to think in a different manner, then i need to act my way into that sort of thinking, starting with my website project. all in all, there is certainly more to who i am than a pile of three-quarters of the way done projects on my desk. this afternoon may be a good time to finish one of them off, at least the cosmetic part. that will probably be enough to keep me busy this afternoon and i will get the sense of accomplishment that just may bring, an emotional payoff instead of a baseball bat with which to hammer myself, because…

∞ DT ∞