Blog entry for:

i have a conscious contact with the POWER that fuels my recovery.
my plan today? almost what it started out to be. my lack of diligence, is the key to the plan being altered, but at least i made the bus, and have a cahnce to kick back and write this little ditty, such as it is. more than likely the seed is a repeat, but that is where my lack of concentration to details does not pay off, life goes on and so do i.
so lonleiness is a state of being and being alone is a physical reality, that is not related to lonliness in any manner. i understand that, as i can be afflicted with lonliness in a room full of people and never feel lonliness when there is not a soul in my general vicinity. yes, i know, a parrot of the party line, BUT one with which i have more than a bit of experience, for yo see, i have been alone most of my life and have suffered from lonliness, even after coming to recovery. before i ever used, i was lonely, no one got me, and i had to make things up, or at least believe i had to make things up, so people would find me interesting. my fantasy living started well befoe i ever picked up and for a time, getting high was an excellent replacement, but as i becme accustomed to the finding the ways and means, i became what i needed to become, and my echildhood experiences of being anyone but me, paid off in spades, as the old cliché goes. so being different and alone, just became a fact of my life, and you know what, one that i could accept.
so when i came to the rooms, and first heard that i could find an end to lonliness, i was more than a bit skeptical, to say the least. here in this freak show, i quickly saw that i was like no one in the rooms. they were all different, and were people i might have bought from, maybe used cordially with, if they offered party favors, but certainly not anyone i would choose to hang with, for one thing, i got from the beginning that they could use with the same gusto and lack of reserve that i could, and the last thing i wnated was to compete with others who were always the last man standing.
i chose to live at the margins of the fellowship for a bit of time. sure, i made it look like iw as social, and i hung with others and learned that bein with my peers in recovery, at least in the resepct of clean time, was not the wisest decison i made at that tim, but anyone with any sort of recovery, intmidated the fVck out of me. those early days, did however, allow me to start to decide that te edges of the fellowship wouldget me high. it is so sad, when i see others hanging at the margins, coming in and out, when there is plenty of room in the middle of the pack. it really is lonely out there, and i understand, that is my choice today. yes, the POWER that fuels my recovery is always here for me. yes, when i am comfortable just being myself, i do not feel NEEDY of human attention and hence i do not feel lonely, in fact i am quite comfortable being alone.
i wonder if i need to reach out to those who are on the margins today, at least to encourage them to stay clean another day. after all, even though i did not need help coming off the margins of recovery, it was the loving and kind guidance of my sponsors, as they encouraged me to work steps that brought me into the pack and has kept me clean all of these ‘just for todays’ in a row.
anyhow, i am not lonely today, nor am i ever alone, and that is progress towards becoming the man i have always wanted to be.

∞ DT ∞