Some memes

is the cure for loneliness? and exactly how i do that is the crux of the solution. i can fill that emptiness with endless activities, surrounding myself with people and keeping myself occupied but it has been my experience that this is just another dodge. or i can have a chain of meaningless flings both emotionally and physically and hope i can get relief by seeking the affection of those who agree to be part of those activities, but in the long run that is just as inadequate in addressing the solution. or maybe i can spend every penny i have on bright and shiny new toys, demonstrating my socio-economic status to all who see me and earning their respect to fill that emptiness, but that inevitable pales and i end up broke as well as lonely. so i am left to the suggestion of the today’s entry, namely improving my conscious contact with the POPWER THAT KEEPS ME CLEAN AND PROVIDES FOR ALL MY NEEDS. taking comfort in that relationship has never been easy for me, and even after a few days clean, it still does not come auto magically. i have to work on finding comfort and ease with the relationship with that POWER and that i find that abhorrent at times and fall back on thee old behaviors that provide temporary respite from the bleakness of my internal landscape.
these days that landscape is not as bleak as it once was, but i find myself questioning my current set of relationships and wondering why i am such a judgmental prick over other people’s behaviors. the honest truth there as with everything else is that i am not comfortable with myself and being alone. and once again i am back to the suggestion of learning how to find comfort with my conscious contact with a POWER GREATER THAN ME. and although that feels unsatisfactory today, it is the best solution i can find right here, right now, so i think i will go with it!

∞ DT ∞