๐ a state of the heart ๐
Posted: Wed, May 30, 2018 10:07:14 AM
this morning has been one of those days when Murphy took over my fingers and my pithy, witty and oh so wonderful musings got pitched into the bit bucket. what i got instead was thirty-five minutes of windshield time, to reconsider what i really felt this morning. taking the topic of the day being alone versus loneliness as a staring point, i have to admit that generally like being alone and many times in my life i have felt lonely even when surrounded by others.
it is a fact, that saying i am socially awkward, is a bit of an understatement, i prefer to say i am socially retarded, as that is more fitting. over the years of my recovery, i have learned how to deal with social situations, a whole lot better. the fact is, i still prefer to be by myself as evidenced by four days of being in the house, glued to my silly computer game. yeah, i almost got another game won, but by the time i finally got out of the house and did something other than go to another meeting, my worst character attributes were in full swing and on display for everyone to partake of, and i let them have it, in my oh so passive-aggressive manner. now i have a bit of a mess to clean-up and as much as i would like to say that Ambien™ made me do it, that is not part of how i roll, today anyhow.
what i did write about and what is on my heart still, is the case i build against others, for whatever reason. the worst part, is i ascribe motives to their behavior based on mine. if i have been dishonest or disingenuous, i share about how freaking honest and authentic i am today. i share about how hard i am working my program and then i trot down the trail, doing the same old crap, once again. for me when i hear others sharing in a similar manner, i instantly go to the line from Hamlet, about the lady protesting too much. i want my peers to see how ell i am doing, even though my behaviors do not match my words. time and again, i want to look better and i want EVERYONE to tell me how much better i am looking. sharing about every single detail of my daily recovery program, so everyone can say: “MAN, YOU ARE ON FIRE!”
today, the HOPE is suppressed over the weekend had become a bit more evident, this morning and the cloud of assholeishness that has been raining on my parade is starting lift. today, i do not want to isolate, be alone or lock myself into a place where i can see no light of day. it is a good day to be clean and certainly a good one, to clean up my side of the street.
it is a fact, that saying i am socially awkward, is a bit of an understatement, i prefer to say i am socially retarded, as that is more fitting. over the years of my recovery, i have learned how to deal with social situations, a whole lot better. the fact is, i still prefer to be by myself as evidenced by four days of being in the house, glued to my silly computer game. yeah, i almost got another game won, but by the time i finally got out of the house and did something other than go to another meeting, my worst character attributes were in full swing and on display for everyone to partake of, and i let them have it, in my oh so passive-aggressive manner. now i have a bit of a mess to clean-up and as much as i would like to say that Ambien™ made me do it, that is not part of how i roll, today anyhow.
what i did write about and what is on my heart still, is the case i build against others, for whatever reason. the worst part, is i ascribe motives to their behavior based on mine. if i have been dishonest or disingenuous, i share about how freaking honest and authentic i am today. i share about how hard i am working my program and then i trot down the trail, doing the same old crap, once again. for me when i hear others sharing in a similar manner, i instantly go to the line from Hamlet, about the lady protesting too much. i want my peers to see how ell i am doing, even though my behaviors do not match my words. time and again, i want to look better and i want EVERYONE to tell me how much better i am looking. sharing about every single detail of my daily recovery program, so everyone can say: “MAN, YOU ARE ON FIRE!”
today, the HOPE is suppressed over the weekend had become a bit more evident, this morning and the cloud of assholeishness that has been raining on my parade is starting lift. today, i do not want to isolate, be alone or lock myself into a place where i can see no light of day. it is a good day to be clean and certainly a good one, to clean up my side of the street.
∞ DT ∞