¹ when i make mistakes, and i will, that is a promise not a threat ,
Posted: Tue, Jun 19, 2012 06:49:32 AM
i will discover a way to laugh at the humor of my imperfections.there are more than a few things going through my head this morning. i met with a sponsee yesterday, i got a call from a using addict in denial on Sunday, and oh yeah i am writing the most painful and draining FOURTH STEP i have ever undertaken. three resentments down and man i may be sleeping like a dead person, but the emotional toll of writing this crap down is to say the least,a bit overwhelming. i am surprised at the direction it has taken, the issues i am exploring and the feelings i am having as a result. perhaps, today will be the day to call the sponse with a minor 911 call.
in all of that, there is very little humor to find? well, that is more than a little hyperbole, there is always a grain of humor. the first is the uncovery process, taking me into what a therapist might call my “core” issues and not having to pay hundreds of dollars for 45 minute “hours.” the real joke, is that if you had asked me a week ago, if any of the stuff i am writing about was reality, i would have said of course not, i have settled all of this a long time ago. i would not have been lying, in fact, until two days ago, this was all settled within. my old fashioned way of swallowing and burying, until enough of present day stuff covered those feelings up and as far as i was concerned they ceased to exist. i might have been happier and more content in the short run, to leave this sh!t buried, but i have to rely on FAITH in the POWER that fuels my recovery, that this stuff needs to be brought out and <GASP> shared with another human being. i am however not there yet, and i am feeling more than a little hesitant to even write about this dark stuff. as i wrote last night, what if someone happens upon these writing and i am not here to put them into context? there are more than a few things i do not want to share with anyone, being revealed in the writing i am doing.
the humorous part, is i sound like one of my sponsees, as they are writing their very first FOURTH STEP,listening to the what ifs run through my head sounds so much like the man i saw yesterday. the excuse are flying through and as i sit here, i can actually smile, because i know that clean time does not equal recovery and i am who i am, and will get through this and be better off for the experience. time is time and even with some time this FOURTH STEP is kicking my ass!
i know that is not very funny, but it is the best i can do at 5 AM, and as the day progresses, i will see if i can lighten up and just be okay knowing, that if i am diligent in what i am doing, that this too shall pass! time to shower off and head to work, it is a good day to be clean!
in all of that, there is very little humor to find? well, that is more than a little hyperbole, there is always a grain of humor. the first is the uncovery process, taking me into what a therapist might call my “core” issues and not having to pay hundreds of dollars for 45 minute “hours.” the real joke, is that if you had asked me a week ago, if any of the stuff i am writing about was reality, i would have said of course not, i have settled all of this a long time ago. i would not have been lying, in fact, until two days ago, this was all settled within. my old fashioned way of swallowing and burying, until enough of present day stuff covered those feelings up and as far as i was concerned they ceased to exist. i might have been happier and more content in the short run, to leave this sh!t buried, but i have to rely on FAITH in the POWER that fuels my recovery, that this stuff needs to be brought out and <GASP> shared with another human being. i am however not there yet, and i am feeling more than a little hesitant to even write about this dark stuff. as i wrote last night, what if someone happens upon these writing and i am not here to put them into context? there are more than a few things i do not want to share with anyone, being revealed in the writing i am doing.
the humorous part, is i sound like one of my sponsees, as they are writing their very first FOURTH STEP,listening to the what ifs run through my head sounds so much like the man i saw yesterday. the excuse are flying through and as i sit here, i can actually smile, because i know that clean time does not equal recovery and i am who i am, and will get through this and be better off for the experience. time is time and even with some time this FOURTH STEP is kicking my ass!
i know that is not very funny, but it is the best i can do at 5 AM, and as the day progresses, i will see if i can lighten up and just be okay knowing, that if i am diligent in what i am doing, that this too shall pass! time to shower off and head to work, it is a good day to be clean!
∞ DT ∞