Some memes

be grateful for the hard-hitting lessons of life is the ultimate protection against my destructiveness. i have to admit, finding the ways and means to be grateful for the speed-bumps and setbacks that life throws my way, has never been my strong suit. my first reaction, and yes it is a reaction and not a response, is WTF, how could this be happening to me!? apparently the powers that be, do not know who i am! when i was using and in my long minute of mere abstinence, i would whine, complain and make everyone around miserable, when shit went wrong. it was never my fault and even if it was i had an excuse, a rationalization and a justification at hand. when i heard my peers saying they were grateful that when things went wrong, because they were able to stay clean through whatever came, i was more than a bit confused. why would anyone be grateful for having hardships thrown their way. even in early recovery, i just did not get it. it took some time for me to see that just like every single other human in the world, i would have to deal with the stuff life threw at me. the trick it seemed, was how to get through those events clean.
the week i just got through was one that was far from serene or even smooth. i will not go into the details, but i had more than one reason to use just a little bit of sumthin, sumthin to take a brief vacation from life in general. on this side of things, nothing really was all that bad and certainly nothing to use over. being clean and in recovery has taught me that reaction, sometime my first thought, may just not be the next right thing to do. responding by keeping my head up, taking the advice of those wiser than myself, in the moment, and looking at the consequences, was enough. the truth is, i did not feel like using, had no desire to use and the thought never entered my head. gratitude? bah humbug, that took a minute. what i found was a bit of flexibility and a bit of peace of mind and then it dawned on me that i could be grateful for the lessons learned. one, when i expect yellow-jackets, wear gloves and carry chemical warfare. when i see the dentist, make sure they look carefully at what is happening in my mouth. when i make plans with friends, make sure i know how long i may be held up, before making a commitment. i survived and yes i even thrived through the pain, suffering and the pinch on my pocketbook.
today, as i spend my day, way out of my Saturday routine, i am without a doubt that i got time with my friends, made my home group meeting, made plans for a 14'er and get to work on the lazy side of the store tonight. my step writing will be something i can do to while away the hours. no matter how much i may hate having to deal with life on its own terms, i am always a little bit stronger in my recovery, if i choose to stay clean through whatever. if it is something i have control over, i learn my lesson. if it is just a piece of random chaos, i can be grateful that at least i did not use, as just for today, that is what it is all about for me.

∞ DT ∞